India will soon be dowry-free if families start taking pride in bahu’s job and not dowry

India's three biggest problems with respect to women are Sexual assaults, Domestic violence and female foeticide. One of the reasons behind last two is our long-prevailing dowry system. Though there are many laws prohibiting dowry in any form, perception of society that girl is a burden to parents didn't change much. How do we change this notion?

Many of you might have watched Ariel’s new ad campaign, “Is laundry only a woman’s job?” If you hadn't seen it already, please watch it here : 

This is a thought provoking social movement by Ariel. Ariel says, "When everyone is talking about equality between men and women in every field, then why is laundry considered just a woman's job?" But, I like this ad for completely different reasons. The same message could have been shot with a different back drop. For example, imagine the following story-line : 

A woman having a very bad day at office, coming home late and tired just to find out unattended pile of laundry and her husband on a couch, relaxed and watching an Indo-Pak WC match. Then, throwing up at the audience the question – “Is laundry only a woman’s job?

The above imaginary ad will just make us (women) feel more depressed, hopeless, and exploited and give us another reason to fight with our husbands. Our husbands would have cursed Ariel. By the way, most of the TV commercials centered on gender (women) discrimination are under such sad backdrops.

Instead, the advertisers have chosen a very healthy backdrop that models change in the attitude of mothers-in-law. I love this ad for five reasons:

1. Two elderly women discussing about the progress the women have made in last few years
2. A saas proudly boasts that her bahu earns higher than her son. The other lady smiles approvingly.
3.   The lady, daughter in law, is seen in western wear and not saree or salwar covering her head in ghoonghat. I don’t even see her wearing any marital symbols.
4. The lady is busy, preparing to go to work – checking her tablet, working on laptop etc. I am happy that she is not in kitchen. 
5. When the husband asks his wife why she has not washed his green shirt, his mom looks equally puzzled and embarrassed at her son

This is exactly the change we need.

Have you seen any Indian MIL approving the fact that a wife can earn higher income but still run a healthy family? It shouldn’t be us, who fight with husbands for sharing that extra load at home. Our mothers should teach our brothers, and mothers-in-law our husbands to help women at home. I know many men who help their wives, but their mothers won’t approve of it. They cry inconsolably when they see their sons in kitchen. A change should begin at home and with a mother. 

I am hopeful that, seeing this new Ariel commercial, at least few mothers (& in-law) would change and start talking more about woman’s education and employment, and not about how much dowry she got from her parents. Kudos to Ariel for such a beautiful ad!!! We need more of such prime time commercials to subtly change the society's expectations from a modern-day woman.

PS : HerLifeHerChoice is my first attempt at blogging. Please leave your feedback in comments section to help me improve my posts. You may choose to be anonymous.

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Her name is not just a word

Before I got married, I fancied the idea of adding my husband’s name to mine and at times I tried various male names to find the one that matches my first name. I know it was childish: P But, when I had to actually change it, I backed out. People started asking me, why I haven’t changed it yet. I asked my husband for his opinion. He said, "completely your choice". I thought I should try. The first place I changed my name was on facebook, but only for two days. I felt a part of me was missing, incomplete. The first sentence I learnt at school was “My name is….” and I realized, “My name” would not be mine anymore. It may not be so difficult for some women, but for me it was. 

Not changing my name is not just about gender equality.  I wouldn't change my name, even if my husband adds my name to his. My name is the title of my story. My name is me, I do not see it as different from me. I have been hearing it everyday at home, schools and work and now it resonates with  me. When  my name was called out during awards ceremonies or published in newspaper, I felt proud and so did my parents. I want to see that pride in their eyes in future as well. Yes, I am married, but my roots are still in my family and they cannot be taken away. For few who argue, it is just change of surname, my name was never my first name alone and it is just a word if not coupled with my family name.If I google my name, I see myself at different stages of life. Why should I start fresh with a new identity, when I have a beautiful past? 

I was asked if I wanted to change my name when I applied for marriage registration, my son's birth certificate, passport renewal, when my husband added me as his spouse, for aadhar card and at many other places. If answer is "No", a weird expression pops up on executive's face and he would look at my husband sympathetically. Even after three years of marriage, people still ask me, why I haven’t changed my name. They frown at my decision and directly link it to my relationship with extended family. Just because it is tradition or because someone else in the family did it, I do not get convinced to drop my family name. Every person has different relationship with self. Many get offended if their name is pronounced wrong or misspelled in emails or invitations, and we are talking about change of name here. A name is not just a word, it is part of one's soul. A marriage shouldn't alter a person’s identity and decision of the name change should be taken only by her. Let her do what she thinks right.

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Her Life, Her Choice

Her Life, Her Choice

Who are we to judge? 

As a society, we do not let women choose what they want to do, be it education, marriage or career. Parents, spouse or In-laws take decisions for us. It may be true for guys as well but definitely not as strong as in case of daughters. Luckily for the women born after 1980’s, things are better. We were allowed to go to schools, colleges and pursue a career, but which school, which degree and whom we should marry are predominantly family decisions and not personal choices. I think, parents have to play dominant role till the age of 16, and beyond that, they just need to guide and not take decisions on girl’s behalf.

Aren't women capable of deciding on their own? Why someone has to tell an educated and financially independent woman what she should do about her life, when to get married, when to bear children? Why should one interfere in her decisions of spouse, career, and motherhood? Why everyone has an opinion, when it comes to woman, how she should be, or to keep it simple, how a wife should be?  Polite, kind, smiling, caring, loving, obedient, submissive, patient, soft etc., and the list of physical features endless. Thanks to Mr. Chanakya for his contribution to this list. But, do we have similar rule-book for the other gender? May be there are, but not at same level. I can think of only one judgement against men,“Don’t cry like a woman” and yeah, in some families, women are not even allowed to cry as they believe woman’s tears bring bad fortune to the family. Does it mean, women in such family are treated like princesses? Nope, if they believe such sayings, they would also believe other superstitions against women, right? 

From smile to dressing style, there are predefined rules for women. If we do not follow them, we are judged, labled. And yes, these judgments are not from men always. Surprisingly, many women criticize other woman’s career & personal choices.

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