"Dear Darling daughter"- A letter from a mother to her late daughter

My darling daughter,

As your mother, I understand how much pain you had to go through, that let you decide to take your life, but with it gone the smile on our lips and sleep on our eyes!! I will not ask you "why you did it?”. I just request you to come back and fill this void in our lives, with your laughter!! I know you wouldn't come back, our love is not powerful enough to bring you back, because our love couldn't stop you from tightening that evil rope around your neck!! Didn't we cross your mind at least for a second? Is love of your parents so weak? Didn't you love us enough to live your life, if not for the world, at least for your mom and dad?

The house that was filled with laughter, conversations and fights is now dead silent!! I and your dad do not tease each other anymore, and we do not even talk to each other. We just stare deep into each other's eyes, knowing only the other person can truly empathize with the loss. We do not know how to console the other!! Since 25 years of our marriage, we have been each other's strength, but we do not feel intimate anymore. I feel alone, very alone. Your dad sleeps in a separate room now to hide those tears from me, but comes to our old bed room every hour to check only if I am alive. Little did he know that I keep checking him every other hour!! How should I console 50 year old man, who lived only for his family and thought his daughter is everything!! We have become living dead-bodies. We inhale but we do not breathe!! We stare but we do not see!! We hear but we do not listen!!

You should have given us one chance to stand with you, to reduce your sufferings!! One single chance to get you back into our lives!! We would have given our crores, education, status and everything to be with you, nothing ever mattered and matters more than you!! You thought, we would be hurt if you let us know your problem and now you had given us pain time can’t heal. We would have fought with entire world for u.

Some said, these are testing times and everything would be okay!! I wanted to shout on top of my voice, "No, it can never be okay. We lost our daughter, our dreams and our life, everything!!" How can anyone understand the pain? We lost our only daughter, we cannot blame god because our own daughter had taken her life!! Some mocked us as failed parents: we did not provide you supportive environment. Who would video-tape our lives to tell them how good we were as family and I don't even want to prove anything to anyone!! Their words do not hurt me anymore. Some consider us unfortunate while some consider us bad-omen, they do not visit us anymore!! I see you in every other child!! I long to hug a baby, but no mother ever brings her child close to me as I am a cursed mother!! They are afraid, my dirty touch would take away their baby away!! You never let anyone say a thing about us, and now where are you?!! 

The greeting card you stuck to my mirror reads out loud, "Amma, you are the best mom in the world!! I would do anything for you!!" Couldn't you just live for me, for your best mom? If you loved me so much, why did you take that precious life I almost died to give you? 

The people who hurt you and forced you to choose death over life might have felt guilty for harassing u or they might be sadistically happy that they won over you!! I do not care about their feelings, at the end, they forgave themselves and forgot you!! They are living with their families!! For them, you were a momentary part of life, but for us you are the life!! We die each day in your memories. You know them only for a year, but us for 25 years!!  Who should be more important - people who hate you or people who love you? You shattered our own happy family, you chose the easiest path leaving your old parents to dread the toughest path!!

Every morning, your dad and I make a choice - to live or to die!!? Every night silently we pray to god to give us the strength to live one more day!! Your memories would never leave us, they keep haunting us each day!! I just wish no parent ever has to go through the loss of a child!!

And now, I read another story of a parent just like me!! 

To every other daughter like mine or Rishiteshwari,

Your parents love you no matter what!! Some parents show it, and some do not :

They might have been too harsh to you at times

They might have been too busy to spend time with you
They might have been aggressive, shouted on you for every silly thing

They might have compared you with someone better;

They might have scolded you for not performing well in exams

They might not have agreed to your love marriage

They might have convinced you to re-establish your failed marriage!!

But every parent loves their child!! Their actions might be wrong, but their intentions for you are always right!! You are their world. From the moment you were born, two people sacrificed their luxuries and dedicated their lives to you!! God makes mothers go through enormous physical and mental pain to give birth to a child, but he doesn't give her strength to bear with loss of a child!!

If you have a problem and if you cannot handle it anymore, please talk to your parents and tell them what your mental state is!! They would do anything for you!! Anything!! Your bad grades, your assaulted body, your failed love, your marital discords, your financial problems, ragging, social bullying...Your parents would find a solution. If there is no solution and in the worst case, they = would be ready to start from scratch with zero bank-balance, in a new place, treating you just like their just-born child!! But, please give them one last chance... Remember!! No reason can be strong enough reason to take that life, your parents have struggled to give you!!

~Sharada 
A lonely mother of a beautiful daughter, Anu!! 
A powerless mother who cannot make world a better place for daughters, but just wishes daughters to stay stronger for their parents!! 
A wishful mother who thinks this letter would help few other daughters and their parents!!  

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A dinner date with the other woman I always loved besides my wife!!

We were a nuclear family of three. It was three months since our only son, Karthik, had moved abroad for higher studies. Happy for him, but we missed him every day. Our home has lost its laughter, radiance and happiness;  it started to look like a brick cuboid!! We felt lonely, especially my wife who had quit her job when my son was born. I could feel her pain, I wanted to comfort her. So, I proposed a dinner date and a movie!!

But, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She reasoned, “I love you, but I know this other woman would love to spend some time with you.” I asked if three of us can go together, she said "No, It would be different when it is just you two!" I thought she might have called any of my old girl friends, I was not in touch with! She dialed her and asked me to invite her. 

I said, "Hello" and the lady said, " Beta, whats wrong, aren't you well?" 

It was my mother on the other side.

I looked at my wife, she gestured me to continue

“Mom, Shall we go out for dinner this Friday?!!” I asked her. 

She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “Did I ever say 'No' to you?!!”

My wife and I moved into a separate house three months after our marriage because we wanted privacy and my parents never opposed!! Two years later, my father died and my mother started living alone in the same house. In the beginning, we used to visit her every weekend; weekly became monthly and monthly became occasionally, after I moved to other end of the city. I have my reasons : Tired, Busy with work, Busy with kids, Family Time!! She never insisted us to visit her, she was worried that I had to drive so long!!

That Friday after work, I drove over to pick her up. When I arrived at her (no more our) house, I found her arranging flowers at my father's photo. She draped herself in her favorite red saree that I gifted her with my first salary. She smiled at me. Even at the age of 65, she has that same spark in her eyes when she smiles.   

We went to that restaurant where we used to go frequently as a family when I was a child. She said, she would place the order. She didn't even look at menu, she ordered all my favorites when I was a kid, and they are still my favorites except I became more conscious of my intake. During the dinner, we had talked about many things -  recent events of each other's life, Karthik, my friends, movies and many more. 

When we sat in the car, I asked her if I can take her on a long drive. She didn't ask "Where?". We drove 20 miles, straight to my house!! Its been many years since my mother visited us, always we go to her place. 

When my wife opened the door, my mom hugged her and said, "Thank you!!"

My wife responded in a low voice, "Sorry, it took us so many years!!"

My mother made my house, a home again!! She filled the void in our home and also in our hearts!! There are silent smiles, louder laughter, fresh aroma from puja mandir, soothing music, old recipes on dining table and new plants in our garden. My wife found a wonderful companion for cooking, shopping and watching TV serials!! Their favourite pass-time is skimming through shadi websites for suitable bride for our joint family!! 

How much I missed my mother, especially her beautiful smile!! I thank my wife every day for that beautiful dinner night!!

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Watch Bahubali with your family to experience strength of our warriors, power of women in ancient India and grandeur of Indian cinema!!

Bahubali, the biggest Indian motion picture is now in theaters!! It is a historical fiction Telugu-Tamil bilingual dubbed into Hindi, Malayalam and French!! If you haven’t seen it yet, book your tickets to live through grandeur of medieval times of India, experience strength of our warriors and understand power of women in olden days. It is a must movie for every macho man, who thinks listening to woman is a sign of weak man. The movie shows you how women were power centers in ancient India, how mothers/wives were treated in ancient India, and that a woman & man complement each other, neither of them is superior.

I am not a movie buff, I selectively watch movies and this is the first time, I am writing about one. But #Bahubali is not just a movie, it is an experience!! More than grandeur/visuals of the movie, I liked the characters. Typically, Indian movies show hero as the strongest, most handsome and most generous – all the goodness in the world in one man. But, in #Bahubali, every character is important, every character connects with you and talks to you:

A magnanimous queen who can side mother& wife in her for the welfare of her kingdom (Ramya Krishnan as Sivagami)

A caring mother for whom her child is her world (Rohini as Sanga – Shivudu’s mother),

A loyal servant – Highly skilled, dissatisfied but loyal (Sathyaraj as Katappa),

A captivated & tortured queen – an epitome of self-respect (Anushka Shetty as Devasena)

A shrewd father who wanted to live his life again through his son (Nassar as BjjalaDeva )

A powerful warrior with thirst for power (Rana Daggupati as Bhallaladeva)

A noble king who knows how to play his strengths to protect his subjects (Prabhas as Bahubali)

A son/lover who could do anything for his mother and girl (Prabhas as Shivudu)

Spoiler Alert: No Comedy track, you just smile/cry but you wouldn’t laugh!!

Well, I felt Avanatika character was the weakest in the movie. I didn’t connect with Avantika and Tamannaah didn’t fit the role of Avantika.

I do not want to be a spoiler, so I am not talking about specific scenes. Do watch it yourself!! With IMDB rating of 9.4/10 (highest for an Indian film), you wouldn’t be disappointed at all.

80% of all Indian commercial movies beautify woman and in many movies heroines are no brainers, they are present only to virtually & visually romance with viewers (including a few of Rajamouli’s own movies). In many of our families, we think listening to woman is sign of a weak man, but this movie shows you that strength of a man is in respecting women. You need to listen to a woman when she has a point, and a woman has to be strong to drive her point.  Not just in Palace, even in tribal setup, villagers respect Sanga’s words and feelings!! A man beheads another for the vulgar comments he made on a woman (even before knowing she was his mother).

If you keep comparing this movie with counterparts from Hollywood, you would lose what movie had to offer you – that emotional connect with characters!! Given all the constraints, it is a great Indian movie, which would stand tall in Indian Cinema books. If you think, only “Hero” should have 70% of the screen-time, this movie is not for you!!

Some said, Bahubali script is weak. I didn’t find it weak, every story can be narrowed down to three feelings – Love, Revenge and Call for Duty – so is Ramayana, Mahabharatham… and is Bahubali. It is not about content of the story but it is about how you tell a story!! Rajamouli is a spectacular story teller. Bahubali is not an entertainer, you need to use your brain a lot. There is no chronological order, it moves back and forth in time and place – you need to connect the dots. Especially, you need to do lot of brain work to understand the war strategy.

Preferably, watch it with family and let your children learn about ancient culture, our powerful warriors, and war strategies. Let them understand how women were treated in ancient times, at least some of them would understand that women are not weaker sex and learn to respect women when they turn into adults.

All said, Bahubali – 2 looks evern more promising as you get to see more of Bahubali, Bhallaladeva, Devasena, Katappa and Sivagami.

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Flipkart Maternity Benefits : Bold and Welcoming move!!

Flipkart, one of the e-Commerce giants of India has raised bar very high for other Companies in attracting and retaining Women employees.

Snapshot of Flipkart new maternity package :

1. Six Months paid Maternity leave
2. Up to four months of flexible working option with full pay.
3. Extended maternity leave up to 1 year of career break without pay
4. Transport reimbursement benefit of Rs.600 per day during the last two months of pregnancy
5. Reserved parking slot for women 2 months before and after child delivery
6. Working on proposal with Famous day-care centres for discounted prices to its employees. 

Why such benefits??

Every woman loves shopping!! At least window shopping!!  Flipkart wants to aggressively market itself to women shoppers and to fully understand the psyche of women and design programs that best attract women, Flipkart needs strong representation of women in its workforce. Currently, Flipkart has no woman in its board of directors. The company is planning to recruit women for its senior leadership roles, and also nurture women talent within. Hence, the bold move - Benefits that stand out from regular and mandated 3 months paid maternity leave!!

Thinking of Change!!? Flipkart is waiting for you!! 

Flipkart has announced itself as the destination for young & talented women, many of whom have to drop the ball for Childcare. Not just that, the announcement of these benefits are applauded by many of its customers, and Flipkart has entered into good books of its women customers. This strong and positive brand image would definitely reflect in its online sales. 

So ladies, if you are planning to switch careers (or planning to start a family in near future), let Flipkart be your first choice!! It is not easy to work after marriage, especially after kids, you need very strong support from your colleagues and employer. 

What next ?!! You might be regularly following Flipkart, Amazon and Snapdeals counter marketing trolls. Well, Flipkart has opened new space for marketing. I hope that Amazon and Snapdeal would respond with equally good, if not better maternity benefits. 

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If marriage is a solution to rape, how can Marital rape be ever a crime?

On a lazy Sunday morning, first thing I read is this case where a Court considers 'Marriage' between rape victim and her rapist, a "Happy Conclusion"!! How can a woman be ordered / requested / convinced to marry a man who sedated her, pounced on her like an animal, attacked her parents and denied any involvement until DNA report of his daughter confirmed it!!?? Is the judge helping the victim or punishing her for bringing it to courts? Isn't it a license for him to abuse her for her entire life?

The case is about a woman, now in her 20s from a remote village, who was raped by a man 6 years ago 2 days before her SSC exams. She also had a 6 yr old daughter out of this rape. She has fought in courts for justice, and is still fighting for her dignity in society. Court proposed Marriage!! She neither agreed to marry her rapist nor accept any money in compensation, despite her poor financial status!! His place is behind the bars, not in her house. Kudos to her spirits!! She didn't give up, she is going to tell her daughter that her father is a rapist. I agree, family with mom and dad is good for any child, but not a Rapist Father, he is more harm to her daughter!! I love this woman for her stand.

She is truly an inspiration to many highly educated stalwarts of our society. 

As long as we see MARRIAGE as a solution to a CRIME of rape, we wouldn't see MARITAL Rape as a CRIME. 

Suppose, if a woman meets with an accident because the other vehicle driver was drunk, and gets seriously wounded, we would sympathize with her & her family but if same woman is raped by another drunk/sober man, we blame her. We scar her. We boycott her & her family. We look at Rape as Loss of Dignity of Woman, it is not considered as wound to her body, but a scar on her character. She would become unfit for marriage and unsuitable company of her friends/cousins!! One heinous act ruins her complete life!In almost all the cases, a woman is blamed atleast partially - for being provactive, for not being alert or for being out at odd timings!! When we make victim part of the crime, a Rape case would become more of a conflict between two individuals and less of a crime committed by one single party. With such understanding of rape, marriage would seem amicable solution.

If forced sex is precursor for marriage, forced sex would be always an OKAY in a marriage, and many women suffer silently!!

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Adversity makes a person stronger

"Adversity makes strong people stronger and weak people weaker!!"

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Mommy, live guilt free!!

"Good moms have sticky floors, messy kitchen, laundry piles, dirty ovens & Happy Kids"

I read this quote many times before, but it didn’t make any impression. Trashed it off as one of the lazy mommy's defensive talk!! You learn certain things, only when you experience it!! And now with 1.5 yrs toddler around, these lines have become my favourites!! How much I wish, my husband or anyone else frames this and gifts me just like that – my birthday is too far!! I want to hang this, right there – Opposite our main door, as a welcoming board to my guests, even before they look at mess around. Ofcourse, it should also remind me what is important, I want to be at peace!!

We, Women take pride in neatly decorated homes. As I write this, I remember another Telugu quote, “Intini chusi Illalini Chudu” (Translated : Even before you see the woman, you can know her from her house). Poor thing, it doesn’t take into account – Kids!! If I have to keep my house neat and clean, I should restrict freedom of my son. He is too young to understand where things should be!! He likes to keep everything on floor, – from kitchen utensils to his toys.  As long as he is happy, it shouldn't matter!! His smiles bring more peace than a clean house!! I have given up my quest for perfect home!! 

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Don't be too busy to spend with your kids!!

"Don't keep yourself too busy to play with your kids. Your time is the most precious gift you can give to your children. Never let them walk away without a smile."

I always wonder, if I spend enough time with my toddler son? I want to spend with him, atleast as much time as my parents had spent with me. It is not just about working parents, many things have changed drastically over years.  Even my parents were working, but I knew exactly when they would be home - all of us used to leave home at 8:15 AM; my brother and I used to come home by 3:30 PM and our parents by 5:30 PM, same timings every day from Monday to Saturday. Sundays, all of us would be home. Mornings – we used to watch Moghli, Sri Krishna Chandrkanta etc on Durdarshan ; Biryani for lunch; Evenings – we used to go neighborhood children park, if not we will be meeting cousins for dinner. Life was predictable - It was definitely simple, more disciplined, clean and serenely happy.

I don’t think my son has such predictability, he doesn’t know when his parents would be home for that matter if we would be home at all, as both my husband and I need to travel for business trips. Nature of our jobs has changed over time, I really wonder if we have made more progress or added more hindrance with 24*7 working hours, 64 Channel Televisions, laptops, all-in-one smartphones etc.  My parents were never aware part of this “Work-Life balance” struggle, my parents used to earn enough for their times, we were middle class family. Now, we put double the effort (may not be physically but mentally yes) and also more hours into work, but even now we earn enough for the times now, we are still a middle class family.

For good or bad, we made progress in all the fields, and I definitely can’t keep my family aloof from this DEVELOPMENT, I just need to learn survive in this chaos now. I always wish my son had more peaceful and predictable childhood, like me. 

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Make it the life you want to live!!

"Don't let anyone rob you of your imagination, your creativity, or your curiosity. It's your place in the world; it's your life. Go on and do all you can with it, and make it the life you want to live" - Mae Jemison

Every word in the above lines has profound meaning. We often let others tell us what we should do or what we shouldn't do!! Nothing can motivate us more than our dream and nothing can demotivate a person as more than our one's own disbelief in self. There is only life, we have only one chance to do what we wanted do!! Don't let your dream die with you, Give it a life to let it live beyond you. 

About Mae Jemison:  

Mae C. Jemison is an American physician and NASA astronaut. She became the first African American woman to travel in space when she went into orbit aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour on September 12, 1992. She was born on October 17, 1956, in Decatur, Alabama. She was the youngest child of Charlie Jemison, a roofer and carpenter, and Dorothy (Green) Jemison, an elementary school teacher. After she obtained her M.D. in 1981, Jemison interned at Los Angeles County/University of Southern California Medical Center and later worked as a general practitioner. For the next two and a half years, she worked as the area Peace Corps medical officer for Sierra Leone and Liberia where she also taught and did medical research. Following her return to the United States in 1985, Jemison made a career change and decided to follow a dream she had nurtured for a long time. In October of that year, she applied for admission to NASA's astronaut training program. She holds nine honorary doctorates in science, engineering, letters, and the humanities. 

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Cesarean & Formula fed : Did I miss connecting with my baby?

The birthing experience of each mother is different and so is her story. When my husband and I learnt that I was pregnant, our happiness had no boundaries. We called every distant relative and friend to share our happiness. Pregnancy is the most beautiful phase, and also the most anxious phase of woman’s life.  Every minute, an expecting mother thinks of that little wonder growing inside her and weaves wonderful stories around her relationship with her baby. I was no different.

In every visit to the hospital, I had some serious and many silly questions to the doctor. I couldn't seek any advice from my friends or cousins, as I was first mum of the gang. I wanted to know more about my baby, but there are too many scary things on google. I realized, Newspaper and WWW circulate more negative stories than inspirational stories just like our local BBC reporters – neighborhood aunties who poke their long noses and wide ears into every other house to gather “Breaking news” for their weekly kitty party!!  The only people I could discuss my pregnancy fears were: Amma and Doctor. 

Like every other expecting mother, I had my birthing plans. I imagined myself screaming on top of my voice in pain, eventually fading away into pin-drop silence to unfold the magic - we hear my baby's first sounds. I would hug my baby as tears rolled down my cheeks, and time for a perfect-family selfie. Exactly like they had shown in movies!!! I dreamed same dream again and again every night for more than 8 months.

But it is not life, if everything goes as expected. Mine was very healthy pregnancy until week 36. when doctor said, “Your baby is doing very well except that she is in breach position. Baby weight is also on higher side, I wouldn't expect her to change position in next two weeks.” I wouldn't blame my mother, but she had already told her friends hoping some tips. In those two weeks, I did everything they told me to do to change my baby’s position – squatting, walking, knee to chest exercises and sleeping with a pillow under my hips for some time.

My baby didn’t change the position and so it was planned C-section. I was scared even of natural birth and now, surgery. I had never been admitted to hospital before, and I never had any medical cuts or stitches. But, I had pulled up my strength to do what doctor recommended as best for my baby.

What actually worried me was, when some elderly ladies told me, "babies who are not born naturally, do not develop that bonding with their mother".

I cried over this many days, my mother brushed them off as opinions and not scientifically proven, but those lines haunted me again and again. They were much elder to me, they had babies and know the psyche of pregnant women but still they didn't care to be gentle with their words. 

In 39^th week, I had undergone C-section to deliver 4-Kgs healthy baby girl!! I was given complete anesthesia and I saw her 4 hours after she was born. As I took my little wonder closer, doctor asked me to feed the baby. I tried, No milk!! I tried continuously for 5 days every 3 hours, but there were just few drops. I do not know why, but I didn't produce enough milk. I tried various allopathic medicines, also some homemade recipes but no luck. The neighborhood pseudo-doctors had another point now, I didn't produce milk because it was C-section. They added, breast feeding time is when babies bond with their mothers. Formula fed babies would not have same loving relationship with their mothers like breast-fed babies. And some thought, I was not inclined to breast feed for other reasons. 

As months passed by, I was told (or warned) again and again by different people in different tones: Not vaginal birth, not breast fed, and so I shouldn't expect that love bond between me and my daughter.

How much those lines hurt a new mother?!!? A woman can tolerate any relationship going wrong, but she can’t take it if you tell her, her own children wouldn't love her. I bugged my doctor and pediatrician again and again with the same question, “Wouldn't my daughter love me?  Would she not find that good mother in me?” and my loving doctors always assured me that everything between my daughter and me would be perfectly fine, they might have understood my love from my tears.

Now my daughter is 2 years old. We share the same strong love bond as any other mom and daughter, I know she loves me the most!! I can tell you that from:

1.       Her giggles when I come home

2.       Her pride when she tells my mother that she wants to look exactly like me.

3.       Her anger when someone says a word against me

4.       Her tears when I cry in pain

I had C-section and I didn’t produce enough milk for my baby, those were my medical conditions and had nothing to do with my love for my child. I didn’t have a choice or a chance to change them. Like every other mother, I love my baby more than anything in this world. I would do anything in my might to give her the best!!

Shared by my junior!!

Image source : Flickr

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My son has become my teacher!!

I had written this article for women's web.

Motherhood brings many changes in a woman’s life; it’s both a physical and emotional roller coaster ride. My son made me look at life from a different angle, he questioned my behaviour, my opinions and my lifestyle. Every kid learns from his or her parents, but every parent also learns from the child. I do not know what good lessons my son has picked up from me, but he has definitely taught me important lessons to be happy!!!

To live in the moment

Kids do not have back logs. I bring my leftover work home and take home issues to work, so every day is a total mess because nothing is perfect! He wakes up smiling every single morning and every day is a fresh, new opportunity for him to learn something new. He enjoys whatever he is doing – arranging the lego blocks or dismantling his toys part by part, or even biting me. If he loses interest, he drops it then and there, and moves to something else, but I cannot force him to do something he doesn’t like.

To care only for a few special people

His world consist of only two people – Amma and Dada. He is friendly with everyone, but doesn’t really bother about them. You may think, everyone would be polite with kids, but that’s not the case. In shopping malls, restaurants and temples, I meet people who are rude to my kid, and it upsets my entire day. However, he is never bothered by them. He starts crying only if his dad or I shout at him. I wish I can be like him, and not bother myself about too many people outside my family.

To love unconditionally

We tend to think, a mother’s love is unconditional. But I feel my son’s love for me is unconditional. I lose my temper and shout at him if he steps on food, opens the mosquito mesh, switches off my laptop and for many other silly things. Sometimes, I even take it out on him when I am irritated with someone else. When I shout at him, he cries, but comes back running to me. He hugs me and sobs, but he never gets angry at me. I am amazed at how much he trusts me. I don’t think anyone can love me the way my son does.

To be true to self, if not to the world

He never pretends like we adults do, and tries to please people around. Anger, pain, happiness or fear – he expresses his emotions. He is not ashamed of his weaknesses. He cries and laughs out loud, never really bothered about what others would think of him. My husband and I take the blame for other’s actions and try to behave as though everything is normal. But my son is not like us. He closes doors on the faces of children who try to steal his toys. If he doesn’t like someone, he has the courage to slap them on their face. I know, I cannot be so direct, but I want to be true to myself at least and tell myself, “If they are mean to you, it is not your mistake and it is okay to keep them out of your life.” He doesn’t pretend to be liking something he actually hates.

To live fearlessly, and with curiosity

We take everything for granted, but kids do not. They want to know more about everything they see or touch. They question everything around. I do not remember the source, but I’ve read somewhere that we learn more in the first 3 years of our lives than in the next 30 years. As adults, we do not bother learning about small things around us – what matters is the latest technology, new tools and new Operating Systems. Weren’t we more amused learning about the planets, physics and geometry than now when we learn new software tools?

To add a little fun to your otherwise boring life

After my son was born, we started laughing out loud, and more often. We stopped arguments (ninety percent of the arguments my husband and I have are about people outside our marriage). We get very less time to think about the nonsense in our lives. Our lives revolve around the little wonder at home. Looking at my son play, sometimes I forget why I was angry with my husband ten minutes back. He gives us reasons to love life. Kids add lots of fun to our lives.

To value people for what they are and not for what they own

Unfortunately, it is the grownups who give more importance to factors such as religion and status. But, children love others for what they are. My son eats from the same plate as my domestic helper, and he plays with the watchmen and their children. Some members of my family do not like such behaviour, but I do not stop him. The world would be such a better place, if we could love people around us for their good hearts, and not their bank balance.

I know as my son grows, he might lose his innocence, curiosity and humour. He will learn to act smart, sophisticated and busy. Like many of us, he will stop living, and will be busy running another rat race. But, I am hopeful that when he becomes a father to another little wonder, he will learn to live.

And that is life: learning, unlearning and then learning again.

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My wife earned double my salary. I had problems but learnt to deal with it

I met my wife for the first time in 1989 on my second day of MBA. Very beautiful and poise lady, quite contrary to my imagination of  women at IIMs. By the time, we graduated we decided to marry each other. Don’t ask me the details of how it all happened, because I have more important things to tell you. 

During campus placements, I got into a FMCG company and she got into one of the reputed MNC banks. We started off with almost same package, but completely in opposite directions. Her office was in Mumbai, in one of those posh buildings right in the middle of the city. While my first sales stint was in interior parts of Assam. She was in a new banking software project.  While I was exploring villages of North East, she traveled across the globe – UK, US and Europe. I didn’t understand where I was going. We used to romance on phone once a week, though ISD calls were pretty expensive those days.  We managed to pull it off and two years after our graduation, we were husband and wife.

My wife is a Go-Getter!! Very soon, she made very good mark in her company, and company was also doing very well, plus US dollars and UK pounds. Within two years of our careers, her earnings were double to mine. So, my wife was the primary bread winner!!

Image Source : Flickr

A woman earning more than men of the family !?! Isn't that a problem, even today?!! I couldn't understand if it was actually my problem, or I had problem because my parents and everyone else around us were seeing it as a problem. We were middle class conservative family and my mother was a home maker, I was the only son. They were okay with my wife working, but want her in some low profile jobs. They were worried that I would be dominated, threatened or whatever.  My wife has a say in every family decision we take, unlike my mother who never dared to speak against my father. 

Slowly, I started looking at the world from their lens and the devil in me woke up :

"Is she dominating?"
"Does she think very low of me?"

"How does society think of me, a failure?"

"Is she a threat to my respect?"

And then, the angel side :

“She studied in best colleges, she worked as hard as me, and so she excelled in her career ”

“I loved her, She chose me because she trusted me to support her. I always knew her career aspirations,  Why do I have problem now?”

“Many of my friends have better packages than me but am not bothered. Why am I comparing myself only with my wife?”

To tell you frankly, I have seen very few men/women in my career who are as passionate as my wife!! If she were my colleague, I would consider it pure bliss to work with such a person.     

My wife came home jumping after closing a million dollar deal, completely ignorant of the clash of titans in my mind. Days were moving slow!!

I thought I was very lucky when my senior offered me a new position in a beverages company, doubling my salary. WOW!! I didn’t think much, no discussions with friends or wife. My problem was no more a problem, what else could I ask for? Jumped in!! 

1 month, 2 months.. 6 months... I didn't like it at all, I was not a culture fit in this new company!! I was doing very well in my previous company, and more than anything I was happy with my job!! It looked a pretty bad idea and I realized I had messed it up so badly for obvious reasons. I felt stupid, comparing careers with my wife, my professional decision had more of personal dimension to it. I took this job only to satisfy my husband-ego!!

  realized, ‘I do not belong to this company.’ I wanted to quit, but quitting? How can a man be without a job? I continued in my new job for almost 1 year. I was not a top performer any more. My wife was quick to understand though I tried faking that smile at home. She convinced me to quit and I did. After 4 months, I landed myself in another company in the role that fit me well. Pretty soon, I was back to my former self.

I realized my wife is not a threat, but my shield. She is not my weakness, but my strength. I could kill that jealous devil in me forever. 

What happened to my parents…?

One day, my mother said to me :

“Is your marriage life okay? Your wife is beautiful, bold and brilliant... A combination that is very rare, but also intimidating to many men”

I looked straight into her years, "That is why I loved her in first place!!" 

"Don’t look her like your daughter-in-law and don't even treat her like your daughter. Consider her your second son. Take pride in her achievements, be part of her success"  We made peace at home!!

My wife and I would be touching 50 this year...and when we look back, both of us are proud of our careers!! 

Your spouse (working outside or inside home) is always your support system, never a threat!! Make your wife a true partner of life, you will be amazed at the quality of your personal and professional life.

Editor's Note :
Based on one of the many life lessons shared by a business veteran. We found it very inspiring and thought it would help many young couples. Please share this if you think it helps many of those working couples struggling to keep the balance!!

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If not for those few lines,Deepika Padukone's Empowerment video would have made sense!!!

By now, every one  might have watched the most viral Deepika's Women Empowerment video.

I watched it on Sunday, but couldn't post as I was migrating my blog to new domain. I was thinking about those lines again and again. People were extremely divided on this video, some applauded it and some completely rejected it as extreme feminist attempt.

I really liked some ideas of the video and more than the content, the attempt to drive women empowerment. My understanding is that the production team wanted viewers to discard the ideas of objectification of  a woman, and give importance to her inner soul. I liked the concept of 99 women, choice of colours, screenplay and background music. Sadly poor choice of the words negated the entire idea of women empowerment. And today, I read that somewhere the script was written by a male, Deepika should not have agreed to repeat those words!!

Here is the full transcript of the video :

My body, my mind, my choice

To wear the clothes I like; even if my spirit roams naked

My choice; to be a size 0 or a size 15

They don’t have a size for my spirit, and never will

To use cotton and silk to trap my soul is to believe that you can halt the expansion of the universe

Or capture sunlight in the palm of your hand

Your mind is caged, let it free

My body is not

Let it be

My choice

To marry, or not to marry

To have sex before marriage, to have sex out of marriage, or to not have sex

My choice

To love temporarily, or to lust forever

My choice

To love a man, or a woman, or both

Remember; you are my choice, I’m not your privilege

The bindi on my forehead, the ring on my finger, adding your surname to mine, they’re all ornaments and can be replaced

My love for you cannot, so treasure that

My choice; to come home when I want

Don’t be upset if I come home at 4am

Don’t be fooled if I come home at 6pm,

My choice; to have your baby or not

To pick you from 7 billion choices or not

So don’t get cocky

My pleasure might be your pain

My songs, your noise

My order, your anarchy

Your sins, my virtues

My choices are like my fingerprints

They make me unique

I am the tree not the forest

I am the snowflake not the snowfall

You are the snowflake

Wake up                                                       

Get out of the shit storm

I choose to empathize

Or to be indifferent

I choose to be different

I am the universe

Infinite in every direction

This is my choice

The lines in blue are my favorites. I highlighted the lines, I do not agree with, in red colour.

Feminism is not about women being superior to men 

Feminism is not a fight against men!! Respect Men!!!

Psuedo feminism is as dangerous as male chauvinism, if not more. The entire tone of the video is such that it is fight against men, it looked like a direct and very hostile attack. Feminism is not about downplaying men, it is fight against the idea of gender discrimination. Feminism is all about - Gender neutrality!! Anyways, it is not just the men who judge women, very often it is women who pull each other down.

Women empowerment is not about freedom to do any senseless thing you want to!!

Empowerment is not just taking your decisions, it is also about holding the complete responsibility of the consequences of those decisions. If you have sex and a baby outside your marriage, you need to hold the responsibility of raising the baby on your own, also with full dignity. You can't dump the baby and say, "It is my choice!!". That is not the empowerment we need.

Marriage is not a cage, it is a relationship!!

Even, he picked you from 7 billion choices, not just you!! A relationship between two people is a choice of both of them, respect the other person equally. You haven't done him a favour by choosing him and neither he did. Do not underplay his role in your life!! I will have a problem, if my husband spends too little time with me, if comes home at 4:00 AM every day..He promised to share his life and so I demand his time!! Certain decisions have to be mutually agreed!! The only sensible line about relationships in the whole video is, "The bindi on my forehead, the ring on my finger, adding your surname to mine, they’re all ornaments and can be replaced. My love for you cannot, so treasure that"

It is NEVER okay for a man or a woman, to have sex outside marriage. Period.

Such a wrong message to entire country or world!! You cannot insult the institution of marriage in any country. Why to call yourselves - " a wife and a husband", if you cannot hold the sanctity of your marriage?? Break it and do whatever you want, but do not advise people around to cheat their spouses. Which country calls this empowerment? The video should have been banned for this one disgusting line, because extramarital affairs are punishable under law. 

Concept is good, but the topics of discussion should have been different!!

The image of Deepika should have been used to drive attention to many other pressing issues - female infanticide, Dowry, domestic violence, Acid attacks, blaming women for rapes, less representation of women in many fields and many more!! I do not understand how Deepika or vogue team arrived at linking "choice to have sex outside marriage" as women empowerment. I think, the only important issue this video addresses is objectification of women in first few seconds.

Last, but not least, here are best comments from Deepika Narayan Bhardwaj : 

"If it is your choice to have sex outside marriage, it should be his choice too. Don't then call him a womanizer or get offended if he calls you a slut because what opinion he has of you is his choice! If he wants to marry a fair, beautiful girl don't call him sexist...because it is his choice to choose the partner he wants. If he wants to marry a woman who brings with her lot of wealth during marriage for his better life...don't call him a dowry seeker because it is his choice. It is his choice too to love a man or a woman or just himself or noone inside or outside of marriage. Don't ridicule him calling him impotent , gay, tharki and get him arrested because who he loves whether inside or outside marriage is his choice. It is his choice whether he wants to live with his parents or not. Don't force him for what you want because it's his choice and YOU made a choice to come to his home. Don't treat him as a robot that should operate so that your choices are taken care of. HE IS A HUMAN BEING and he too has ALL THE RIGHTS to HIS CHOICE! Also - do not file rape case on promise of marriage after having consensual sex because he made a CHOICE not to MARRY YOU. Ms Deepika Padukone and girls who agree with this video - make your choice but stand up to how society perceives your choices as - because how they look at it is entirely their CHOICE."

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