Adversity makes a person stronger

"Adversity makes strong people stronger and weak people weaker!!"

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Mommy, live guilt free!!

"Good moms have sticky floors, messy kitchen, laundry piles, dirty ovens & Happy Kids"

I read this quote many times before, but it didn’t make any impression. Trashed it off as one of the lazy mommy's defensive talk!! You learn certain things, only when you experience it!! And now with 1.5 yrs toddler around, these lines have become my favourites!! How much I wish, my husband or anyone else frames this and gifts me just like that – my birthday is too far!! I want to hang this, right there – Opposite our main door, as a welcoming board to my guests, even before they look at mess around. Ofcourse, it should also remind me what is important, I want to be at peace!!

We, Women take pride in neatly decorated homes. As I write this, I remember another Telugu quote, “Intini chusi Illalini Chudu” (Translated : Even before you see the woman, you can know her from her house). Poor thing, it doesn’t take into account – Kids!! If I have to keep my house neat and clean, I should restrict freedom of my son. He is too young to understand where things should be!! He likes to keep everything on floor, – from kitchen utensils to his toys.  As long as he is happy, it shouldn't matter!! His smiles bring more peace than a clean house!! I have given up my quest for perfect home!! 

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Don't be too busy to spend with your kids!!

"Don't keep yourself too busy to play with your kids. Your time is the most precious gift you can give to your children. Never let them walk away without a smile."

I always wonder, if I spend enough time with my toddler son? I want to spend with him, atleast as much time as my parents had spent with me. It is not just about working parents, many things have changed drastically over years.  Even my parents were working, but I knew exactly when they would be home - all of us used to leave home at 8:15 AM; my brother and I used to come home by 3:30 PM and our parents by 5:30 PM, same timings every day from Monday to Saturday. Sundays, all of us would be home. Mornings – we used to watch Moghli, Sri Krishna Chandrkanta etc on Durdarshan ; Biryani for lunch; Evenings – we used to go neighborhood children park, if not we will be meeting cousins for dinner. Life was predictable - It was definitely simple, more disciplined, clean and serenely happy.

I don’t think my son has such predictability, he doesn’t know when his parents would be home for that matter if we would be home at all, as both my husband and I need to travel for business trips. Nature of our jobs has changed over time, I really wonder if we have made more progress or added more hindrance with 24*7 working hours, 64 Channel Televisions, laptops, all-in-one smartphones etc.  My parents were never aware part of this “Work-Life balance” struggle, my parents used to earn enough for their times, we were middle class family. Now, we put double the effort (may not be physically but mentally yes) and also more hours into work, but even now we earn enough for the times now, we are still a middle class family.

For good or bad, we made progress in all the fields, and I definitely can’t keep my family aloof from this DEVELOPMENT, I just need to learn survive in this chaos now. I always wish my son had more peaceful and predictable childhood, like me. 

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Make it the life you want to live!!

"Don't let anyone rob you of your imagination, your creativity, or your curiosity. It's your place in the world; it's your life. Go on and do all you can with it, and make it the life you want to live" - Mae Jemison

Every word in the above lines has profound meaning. We often let others tell us what we should do or what we shouldn't do!! Nothing can motivate us more than our dream and nothing can demotivate a person as more than our one's own disbelief in self. There is only life, we have only one chance to do what we wanted do!! Don't let your dream die with you, Give it a life to let it live beyond you. 

About Mae Jemison:  

Mae C. Jemison is an American physician and NASA astronaut. She became the first African American woman to travel in space when she went into orbit aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour on September 12, 1992. She was born on October 17, 1956, in Decatur, Alabama. She was the youngest child of Charlie Jemison, a roofer and carpenter, and Dorothy (Green) Jemison, an elementary school teacher. After she obtained her M.D. in 1981, Jemison interned at Los Angeles County/University of Southern California Medical Center and later worked as a general practitioner. For the next two and a half years, she worked as the area Peace Corps medical officer for Sierra Leone and Liberia where she also taught and did medical research. Following her return to the United States in 1985, Jemison made a career change and decided to follow a dream she had nurtured for a long time. In October of that year, she applied for admission to NASA's astronaut training program. She holds nine honorary doctorates in science, engineering, letters, and the humanities. 

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Cesarean & Formula fed : Did I miss connecting with my baby?

The birthing experience of each mother is different and so is her story. When my husband and I learnt that I was pregnant, our happiness had no boundaries. We called every distant relative and friend to share our happiness. Pregnancy is the most beautiful phase, and also the most anxious phase of woman’s life.  Every minute, an expecting mother thinks of that little wonder growing inside her and weaves wonderful stories around her relationship with her baby. I was no different.

In every visit to the hospital, I had some serious and many silly questions to the doctor. I couldn't seek any advice from my friends or cousins, as I was first mum of the gang. I wanted to know more about my baby, but there are too many scary things on google. I realized, Newspaper and WWW circulate more negative stories than inspirational stories just like our local BBC reporters – neighborhood aunties who poke their long noses and wide ears into every other house to gather “Breaking news” for their weekly kitty party!!  The only people I could discuss my pregnancy fears were: Amma and Doctor. 

Like every other expecting mother, I had my birthing plans. I imagined myself screaming on top of my voice in pain, eventually fading away into pin-drop silence to unfold the magic - we hear my baby's first sounds. I would hug my baby as tears rolled down my cheeks, and time for a perfect-family selfie. Exactly like they had shown in movies!!! I dreamed same dream again and again every night for more than 8 months.

But it is not life, if everything goes as expected. Mine was very healthy pregnancy until week 36. when doctor said, “Your baby is doing very well except that she is in breach position. Baby weight is also on higher side, I wouldn't expect her to change position in next two weeks.” I wouldn't blame my mother, but she had already told her friends hoping some tips. In those two weeks, I did everything they told me to do to change my baby’s position – squatting, walking, knee to chest exercises and sleeping with a pillow under my hips for some time.

My baby didn’t change the position and so it was planned C-section. I was scared even of natural birth and now, surgery. I had never been admitted to hospital before, and I never had any medical cuts or stitches. But, I had pulled up my strength to do what doctor recommended as best for my baby.

What actually worried me was, when some elderly ladies told me, "babies who are not born naturally, do not develop that bonding with their mother".

I cried over this many days, my mother brushed them off as opinions and not scientifically proven, but those lines haunted me again and again. They were much elder to me, they had babies and know the psyche of pregnant women but still they didn't care to be gentle with their words. 

In 39^th week, I had undergone C-section to deliver 4-Kgs healthy baby girl!! I was given complete anesthesia and I saw her 4 hours after she was born. As I took my little wonder closer, doctor asked me to feed the baby. I tried, No milk!! I tried continuously for 5 days every 3 hours, but there were just few drops. I do not know why, but I didn't produce enough milk. I tried various allopathic medicines, also some homemade recipes but no luck. The neighborhood pseudo-doctors had another point now, I didn't produce milk because it was C-section. They added, breast feeding time is when babies bond with their mothers. Formula fed babies would not have same loving relationship with their mothers like breast-fed babies. And some thought, I was not inclined to breast feed for other reasons. 

As months passed by, I was told (or warned) again and again by different people in different tones: Not vaginal birth, not breast fed, and so I shouldn't expect that love bond between me and my daughter.

How much those lines hurt a new mother?!!? A woman can tolerate any relationship going wrong, but she can’t take it if you tell her, her own children wouldn't love her. I bugged my doctor and pediatrician again and again with the same question, “Wouldn't my daughter love me?  Would she not find that good mother in me?” and my loving doctors always assured me that everything between my daughter and me would be perfectly fine, they might have understood my love from my tears.

Now my daughter is 2 years old. We share the same strong love bond as any other mom and daughter, I know she loves me the most!! I can tell you that from:

1.       Her giggles when I come home

2.       Her pride when she tells my mother that she wants to look exactly like me.

3.       Her anger when someone says a word against me

4.       Her tears when I cry in pain

I had C-section and I didn’t produce enough milk for my baby, those were my medical conditions and had nothing to do with my love for my child. I didn’t have a choice or a chance to change them. Like every other mother, I love my baby more than anything in this world. I would do anything in my might to give her the best!!

Shared by my junior!!

Image source : Flickr

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My son has become my teacher!!

I had written this article for women's web.

Motherhood brings many changes in a woman’s life; it’s both a physical and emotional roller coaster ride. My son made me look at life from a different angle, he questioned my behaviour, my opinions and my lifestyle. Every kid learns from his or her parents, but every parent also learns from the child. I do not know what good lessons my son has picked up from me, but he has definitely taught me important lessons to be happy!!!

To live in the moment

Kids do not have back logs. I bring my leftover work home and take home issues to work, so every day is a total mess because nothing is perfect! He wakes up smiling every single morning and every day is a fresh, new opportunity for him to learn something new. He enjoys whatever he is doing – arranging the lego blocks or dismantling his toys part by part, or even biting me. If he loses interest, he drops it then and there, and moves to something else, but I cannot force him to do something he doesn’t like.

To care only for a few special people

His world consist of only two people – Amma and Dada. He is friendly with everyone, but doesn’t really bother about them. You may think, everyone would be polite with kids, but that’s not the case. In shopping malls, restaurants and temples, I meet people who are rude to my kid, and it upsets my entire day. However, he is never bothered by them. He starts crying only if his dad or I shout at him. I wish I can be like him, and not bother myself about too many people outside my family.

To love unconditionally

We tend to think, a mother’s love is unconditional. But I feel my son’s love for me is unconditional. I lose my temper and shout at him if he steps on food, opens the mosquito mesh, switches off my laptop and for many other silly things. Sometimes, I even take it out on him when I am irritated with someone else. When I shout at him, he cries, but comes back running to me. He hugs me and sobs, but he never gets angry at me. I am amazed at how much he trusts me. I don’t think anyone can love me the way my son does.

To be true to self, if not to the world

He never pretends like we adults do, and tries to please people around. Anger, pain, happiness or fear – he expresses his emotions. He is not ashamed of his weaknesses. He cries and laughs out loud, never really bothered about what others would think of him. My husband and I take the blame for other’s actions and try to behave as though everything is normal. But my son is not like us. He closes doors on the faces of children who try to steal his toys. If he doesn’t like someone, he has the courage to slap them on their face. I know, I cannot be so direct, but I want to be true to myself at least and tell myself, “If they are mean to you, it is not your mistake and it is okay to keep them out of your life.” He doesn’t pretend to be liking something he actually hates.

To live fearlessly, and with curiosity

We take everything for granted, but kids do not. They want to know more about everything they see or touch. They question everything around. I do not remember the source, but I’ve read somewhere that we learn more in the first 3 years of our lives than in the next 30 years. As adults, we do not bother learning about small things around us – what matters is the latest technology, new tools and new Operating Systems. Weren’t we more amused learning about the planets, physics and geometry than now when we learn new software tools?

To add a little fun to your otherwise boring life

After my son was born, we started laughing out loud, and more often. We stopped arguments (ninety percent of the arguments my husband and I have are about people outside our marriage). We get very less time to think about the nonsense in our lives. Our lives revolve around the little wonder at home. Looking at my son play, sometimes I forget why I was angry with my husband ten minutes back. He gives us reasons to love life. Kids add lots of fun to our lives.

To value people for what they are and not for what they own

Unfortunately, it is the grownups who give more importance to factors such as religion and status. But, children love others for what they are. My son eats from the same plate as my domestic helper, and he plays with the watchmen and their children. Some members of my family do not like such behaviour, but I do not stop him. The world would be such a better place, if we could love people around us for their good hearts, and not their bank balance.

I know as my son grows, he might lose his innocence, curiosity and humour. He will learn to act smart, sophisticated and busy. Like many of us, he will stop living, and will be busy running another rat race. But, I am hopeful that when he becomes a father to another little wonder, he will learn to live.

And that is life: learning, unlearning and then learning again.

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My wife earned double my salary. I had problems but learnt to deal with it

I met my wife for the first time in 1989 on my second day of MBA. Very beautiful and poise lady, quite contrary to my imagination of  women at IIMs. By the time, we graduated we decided to marry each other. Don’t ask me the details of how it all happened, because I have more important things to tell you. 

During campus placements, I got into a FMCG company and she got into one of the reputed MNC banks. We started off with almost same package, but completely in opposite directions. Her office was in Mumbai, in one of those posh buildings right in the middle of the city. While my first sales stint was in interior parts of Assam. She was in a new banking software project.  While I was exploring villages of North East, she traveled across the globe – UK, US and Europe. I didn’t understand where I was going. We used to romance on phone once a week, though ISD calls were pretty expensive those days.  We managed to pull it off and two years after our graduation, we were husband and wife.

My wife is a Go-Getter!! Very soon, she made very good mark in her company, and company was also doing very well, plus US dollars and UK pounds. Within two years of our careers, her earnings were double to mine. So, my wife was the primary bread winner!!

Image Source : Flickr

A woman earning more than men of the family !?! Isn't that a problem, even today?!! I couldn't understand if it was actually my problem, or I had problem because my parents and everyone else around us were seeing it as a problem. We were middle class conservative family and my mother was a home maker, I was the only son. They were okay with my wife working, but want her in some low profile jobs. They were worried that I would be dominated, threatened or whatever.  My wife has a say in every family decision we take, unlike my mother who never dared to speak against my father. 

Slowly, I started looking at the world from their lens and the devil in me woke up :

"Is she dominating?"
"Does she think very low of me?"

"How does society think of me, a failure?"

"Is she a threat to my respect?"

And then, the angel side :

“She studied in best colleges, she worked as hard as me, and so she excelled in her career ”

“I loved her, She chose me because she trusted me to support her. I always knew her career aspirations,  Why do I have problem now?”

“Many of my friends have better packages than me but am not bothered. Why am I comparing myself only with my wife?”

To tell you frankly, I have seen very few men/women in my career who are as passionate as my wife!! If she were my colleague, I would consider it pure bliss to work with such a person.     

My wife came home jumping after closing a million dollar deal, completely ignorant of the clash of titans in my mind. Days were moving slow!!

I thought I was very lucky when my senior offered me a new position in a beverages company, doubling my salary. WOW!! I didn’t think much, no discussions with friends or wife. My problem was no more a problem, what else could I ask for? Jumped in!! 

1 month, 2 months.. 6 months... I didn't like it at all, I was not a culture fit in this new company!! I was doing very well in my previous company, and more than anything I was happy with my job!! It looked a pretty bad idea and I realized I had messed it up so badly for obvious reasons. I felt stupid, comparing careers with my wife, my professional decision had more of personal dimension to it. I took this job only to satisfy my husband-ego!!

  realized, ‘I do not belong to this company.’ I wanted to quit, but quitting? How can a man be without a job? I continued in my new job for almost 1 year. I was not a top performer any more. My wife was quick to understand though I tried faking that smile at home. She convinced me to quit and I did. After 4 months, I landed myself in another company in the role that fit me well. Pretty soon, I was back to my former self.

I realized my wife is not a threat, but my shield. She is not my weakness, but my strength. I could kill that jealous devil in me forever. 

What happened to my parents…?

One day, my mother said to me :

“Is your marriage life okay? Your wife is beautiful, bold and brilliant... A combination that is very rare, but also intimidating to many men”

I looked straight into her years, "That is why I loved her in first place!!" 

"Don’t look her like your daughter-in-law and don't even treat her like your daughter. Consider her your second son. Take pride in her achievements, be part of her success"  We made peace at home!!

My wife and I would be touching 50 this year...and when we look back, both of us are proud of our careers!! 

Your spouse (working outside or inside home) is always your support system, never a threat!! Make your wife a true partner of life, you will be amazed at the quality of your personal and professional life.

Editor's Note :
Based on one of the many life lessons shared by a business veteran. We found it very inspiring and thought it would help many young couples. Please share this if you think it helps many of those working couples struggling to keep the balance!!

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