Thursday, February 19, 2015

Her name is not just a word


Before I got married, I fancied the idea of adding my husband’s name to mine and at times I tried various male names to find the one that matches my first name. I know it was childish: P But, when I had to actually change it, I backed out. People started asking me, why I haven’t changed it yet. I asked my husband for his opinion. He said, "completely your choice". I thought I should try. The first place I changed my name was on facebook, but only for two days. I felt a part of me was missing, incomplete. The first sentence I learnt at school was “My name is….” and I realized, “My name” would not be mine anymore. It may not be so difficult for some women, but for me it was. 

Not changing my name is not just about gender equality.  I wouldn't change my name, even if my husband adds my name to his. My name is the title of my story. My name is me, I do not see it as different from me. I have been hearing it everyday at home, schools and work and now it resonates with  me. When  my name was called out during awards ceremonies or published in newspaper, I felt proud and so did my parents. I want to see that pride in their eyes in future as well. Yes, I am married, but my roots are still in my family and they cannot be taken away. For few who argue, it is just change of surname, my name was never my first name alone and it is just a word if not coupled with my family name.If I google my name, I see myself at different stages of life. Why should I start fresh with a new identity, when I have a beautiful past? 

I was asked if I wanted to change my name when I applied for marriage registration, my son's birth certificate, passport renewal, when my husband added me as his spouse, for aadhar card and at many other places. If answer is "No", a weird expression pops up on executive's face and he would look at my husband sympathetically. Even after three years of marriage, people still ask me, why I haven’t changed my name. They frown at my decision and directly link it to my relationship with extended family. Just because it is tradition or because someone else in the family did it, I do not get convinced to drop my family name. Every person has different relationship with self. Many get offended if their name is pronounced wrong or misspelled in emails or invitations, and we are talking about change of name here. A name is not just a word, it is part of one's soul. A marriage shouldn't alter a person’s identity and decision of the name change should be taken only by her. Let her do what she thinks right.


10 comments:

  1. I am newly married and overtime have made up my mind that i wasn't exactly going to change my name when i got married. Just because and as you have rightly stated, I have come to see my name as my identity. In the part of the world where I come from, this is judged as an act of insubordination and on the part of the man, it is viewed as a sign of weakness. You get snide comments like "He can't even get his wife to change her name". I have always been a tad bit of a rebellious spirit and my instincts have never let me down yet. In this matter, it completely urges me to stick with my name.

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  2. I understand your feelings. Irrespective of religion or region, we live in a society that believes a wife needs to be controlled and a man who respects wife's thoughts is considered a failure. Many things have changed for us compared to our moms, but still many women suffer silently. I feel good to see many guys moving away from such illogical traditions and supporting their wives. Discuss with your husband, if he understands your reasons, you need not worry about others. It hurts but we should learn to ignore such comments to move ahead.

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  3. I really want to share this in my facebook timeline..

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  4. Thank you. Please feel free to share. If you want to share only image, please re-share the image from my face book page : https://www.facebook.com/HerLifeHerChoice

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  5. I am not married, but absolutely agree to that fact.. My name is my identity!
    A good read. This is something that i think of at times. Thanks for portraying it this beautifully.

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  6. The issue with people around us is, they think when we can leave everything behind like our family, friends, city, even career at times what makes us react so much in changing our name. They fail to forget that we girls love our name as much as we love our family and friends. We are emotionally and willingly attached to it. That's how were were identified, that's how we were praised and we cannot just let it fade away so easily :) By the way, thanks for a great article!

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  7. Completely agree with what you said. Thank you :)

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  8. Came down from Women's Web. I guess this is a practice that has irked me the most over the years. Decided to keep my name, come what may!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Rinzu!! It is very difficult to do certain traditions when we are not convinced with the ideas behind such practices. Happened to read some of your posts, amazing!!!

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