I was savouring my favourite Hyderabadi Biryani at a local
restaurant, along with my husband and few other friends, when my back muscles
started crumbling. A sharp pain that would start from my lower back and radiates
into my stomach for few seconds and stop. After 10 mins, it would start again
and the cycle continued for a while. I called my gynic at 10:00 PM in the
night, she asked me to go for a checkup immediately.
Duty doctor tested me,
“You are already in labour. Your water would break any time from now”.
I wasn’t
prepared!! Tears rolled down my cheeks
because as I had plans of pregnancy shoot, very next day, also some pending shopping
for the little one and more than anything I was not prepared myself for this big day.
Almost after 12 hours into very painful labour, doctor said,
“Baby is coming out”. As I was not able to push any further, doctor pulled out
the baby with forceps. My husband, who was with me in the labour was almost in
tears when he held our baby for the first time. They let me hold the baby for
few seconds, and said, they need to take the baby to neonatal ward before he
catches any infection . My husband stepped out with baby in his hands, and
showed it to my mother and others waiting outside labour room.
My mother said, “Thank God, It’s a boy!!!”
And for next one week, we have many relatives and friends at
house to congratulate us. Many of them meant, “Thank God, It’s a boy!!!” in
various tones and styles. My husband,
who is from all-boys family, was very irritated with this one sentence, he
asked me, “Why is everyone saying that, what’s wrong if it’s a girl??”
I have country’s best education and I work for one of the
top companies of the world; Excellent academic record and successful career track,
better than that of many males. 'But still, they were obsessed with a male boy, backward thinking' were his thoughts.
I understand why!!!
My parents treated me and my younger brother almost equally.
We went to same school, both of us were
given equal opportunity to excel in studies, both of us were taught to
drive, to cook and also do other household work.
After my +12, I got admission in one of the best colleges of
the country, but I had to cross six states. One of my supposedly well-wishers,
my Uncle, said to my mother, “Why do you want to send a girl so far? It is
expensive too. It’s okay if you send your son but don’t send her. There are
many good local colleges” My mother said, “It is not easy to get admission
there, she worked hard for it and I do not want to stop her”. But my parents
were constantly reminded by everyone that it was a mistake. Even now!!!
I returned to my home after few years to work for a company, I got into through campus placements. I was very happy, but euphoria didn't last long!! Everyone seem to be worried about
my salary, what my parents were doing with it and some even mocked that they
were living on a girl’s money, indicating that they have to get me married off as soon as possible. And all of them would have more than one
suitable match for me, in their database.
Even before they reveal details of the guy, first question
would be,
“What would you give her in marriage?”
My mother was very particular about education and they would
tell her,
“If you ask for someone
from top colleges or settled in US, they demand even more. This is the
problem if a girl has a good education, she would have higher expectations. You have to spend for her education and much more for her wedding”.
Almost every day, we would have a discussion (more of a
fight) about my marriage and how much money we saved for it. Like
many girl parents, my parents had parked more money for my wedding than for my
education or I would say my brother’s education.
I remember my mother saying, “I wish you were a boy, and
your brother (who was in 12th standard then), was a girl. Then, we
would have bought new house, but now we need to save money for your wedding”. I didn’t
understand why my parents have to save so much for my wedding. I don’t remember
talking them about saving for my brother’s wedding anytime, even in recent past.
My parents were also liberal to not restrict me to speak to
boys. I knew my husband for more than 6 years before we thought about marrying
each other. He was one of the frequent guests at my house, and my parents always liked
him. When I first told about getting married to him, they happily agreed. After a month, my mother said, “NO”. Her reasons, “No one
will have a problem if your brother marries someone out of the caste, but it
would be a hot topic in our neighborhood and family, if a daughter did the
same. Everyone will think, we got one without spending a penny.” A girl is the respect of the family and boy is the pride of the family.
Many said, it is my parents mistake to give me so much freedom, which
made me too independent to comply with their decisions. Between these
discussions, I had also completed my post-graduation, warned by many again but
not stopped by parents. My father was also on my side, and eventually my mother
had to agree for my wedding.
My husband knows me very well, how strong my values and
opinions are. I don’t know his part of the story, his parents didn’t talk about
it but my parents told them what they would give me in the marriage. But my
husband and I never agreed for this barter system.
Like in many families, we follow groom’s family customs, so most of my
family’s traditions and customs were dropped, it wasn’t easy for us. There is always that hard or soft
pressure on girl’s parents to comply.
When I went to my husband for the first time, some middle
aged women from the village were discussing what my mother had sent with me and
were eager to open the boxes. They meant wedding gifts. My poor mother packed five
different kinds of sweets, snacks, glass bowl sets, but forgot something.
Someone asked me, “Oh, your mother didn’t send us fabric pieces!??!” I felt
very embarrassed, and so did my husband. It wasn’t a very warm welcome. I had
taken gifts again when my son was born though my mom had difficulty in
arranging them, as my father used to work in a different city. But,
rules are rules and customs are customs. My husband & I also visited my parents
many times, but without any gifts for our neighbors.
Few months later, a 60+ woman, asked me “How much did you
give our boy?” With a straight face, I said, “Nothing!!” My mother-in-law
interfered, “We didn’t ask anything” and then the lady threw one dirty look at
my mother, “What!!! You got such a charming (she said ‘sone jaisa ladka’) husband
for free!!???” There was pin drop silence in the room. My mother was hurt and I
wanted to retort, but it was not my parents’ house. And I know my
parents were part of many such humiliating experiences at many other places.
I know my charming husband would have got good rate in Indian marriage market, and I am smart enough to understand that I would have got the same rate, if not better as my profile was even better, if I were a
man. But, who would bother to look at it that way, either it is generosity of
them or shrewdness of my parents to get away with an eligible bachelor absolutely free!! I know very few people actually giving credit to my parents for
my education or job.
Sharing an experience of another girl, in one of the arranged weddings,
a family had chosen a girl for their son, wedding dates were almost finalized.
But then, after few weeks, they dropped that match because that girl and her
sister were brought up by a single father. Her mother had died many years ago
and so they were worried that mother-in-law had to stretch herself when the
prospective daughter-in-law would be expecting. So they cancelled the match. I found it ridiculous until it was my own pregnancy.
Thanks to my amazing husband, I didn’t need help from my mother
when I was pregnant. My mother is not a very healthy lady. But still, after my
son was born, my mother moved with me to new city and lived with us for almost
a year, to look after my son while I go for work. It was not easy for her to live in a city not of her mother-tongue and for my father to cook for himself all the while. I am not sure if my mother would
help my brother’s prospective wife in the same way. But I know, if I need someone’s
help, she has to come again. She has no choice, because she is a girl’s mother. Sad
but true, a daughter never belongs to the family she was born into, but always
their responsibility. Even now, my parents do not worry about my brother as
much they worry about me.
If not for my strong mother, I would not have had such an education and
job, and again, if not forhfor and supporting husband, I would have ended my career
almost a year ago, as advised by many of well-wishers again and again including his family.
My husband considers me equal and luckily I didn’t get married to super orthodox family. Given my circle, I may have known only a few instances, but my parents know many bitter experiences of many other girl parents. There are always
long- nosed jerks around, who always have an advice to give, a mistake to find
out and a reason to look down girl’s parents. Generally, girls’ parents are
expected to be obedient, submissive and thankful.
In all the religions and across the globe, almost all the traditions are
un-friendly to girl’s parents.
They are expected to supply, not to demand.
They are expected to listen, not to talk.
They are expected to follow, not to lead.
They are expected to compromise, not to confront
And…they abide by these rules because they want their princess to be happy even in the new house. A girl’s academic or career achievements are
undervalued compared to husband's.
My parents didn't raise me differently for being a girl, but
everyone else treated them just like parents of a girl... And that is so unfair to them.
If I have a daughter, she might have thought, I
had to go through the same torment again and might be even more difficult and challenging for me as I am more independent, radical, stubborn, and more sensitive than her. She is not
obsessed with the male child, but like all the mothers, she was selfish enough to think life should be easy on her daughter.
I know why she said, “Thank God, It’s a boy”
But, my husband and I need a daughter for many other reasons, even if it is difficult to raise her as an equal to boy, in a patriarchal society. Daughter is always the darling of the house and every house is incomplete without her. We hope, we would be blessed with a girl next time to complete our family.
