The birthing experience of each mother is different and so is her story. When my husband and I learnt that I was pregnant, our happiness had no boundaries. We called every distant relative and friend to share our happiness. Pregnancy is the most beautiful phase, and also the most anxious phase of woman’s life. Every minute, an expecting mother thinks of that little wonder growing inside her and weaves wonderful stories around her relationship with her baby. I was no different.
In every visit to the hospital, I had some serious and many silly questions to the doctor. I couldn't seek any advice from my friends or cousins, as I was first mum of the gang. I wanted to know more about my baby, but there are too many scary things on google. I realized, Newspaper and WWW circulate more negative stories than inspirational stories just like our local BBC reporters – neighborhood aunties who poke their long noses and wide ears into every other house to gather “Breaking news” for their weekly kitty party!! The only people I could discuss my pregnancy fears were: Amma and Doctor.
Like every other expecting mother, I had my birthing plans. I imagined myself screaming on top of my voice in pain, eventually fading away into pin-drop silence to unfold the magic - we hear my baby's first sounds. I would hug my baby as tears rolled down my cheeks, and time for a perfect-family selfie. Exactly like they had shown in movies!!! I dreamed same dream again and again every night for more than 8 months.
But it is not life, if everything goes as expected. Mine was very healthy pregnancy until week 36. when doctor said, “Your baby is doing very well except that she is in breach position. Baby weight is also on higher side, I wouldn't expect her to change position in next two weeks.” I wouldn't blame my mother, but she had already told her friends hoping some tips. In those two weeks, I did everything they told me to do to change my baby’s position – squatting, walking, knee to chest exercises and sleeping with a pillow under my hips for some time.
My baby didn’t change the position and so it was planned C-section. I was scared even of natural birth and now, surgery. I had never been admitted to hospital before, and I never had any medical cuts or stitches. But, I had pulled up my strength to do what doctor recommended as best for my baby.
What actually worried me was, when some elderly ladies told me, "babies who are not born naturally, do not develop that bonding with their mother".
I cried over this many days, my mother brushed them off as opinions and not scientifically proven, but those lines haunted me again and again. They were much elder to me, they had babies and know the psyche of pregnant women but still they didn't care to be gentle with their words.
What actually worried me was, when some elderly ladies told me, "babies who are not born naturally, do not develop that bonding with their mother".
I cried over this many days, my mother brushed them off as opinions and not scientifically proven, but those lines haunted me again and again. They were much elder to me, they had babies and know the psyche of pregnant women but still they didn't care to be gentle with their words.
In 39th week, I had undergone C-section to deliver 4-Kgs healthy baby girl!! I was given complete anesthesia and I saw her 4 hours after she was born. As I took my little wonder closer, doctor asked me to feed the baby. I tried, No milk!! I tried continuously for 5 days every 3 hours, but there were just few drops. I do not know why, but I didn't produce enough milk. I tried various allopathic medicines, also some homemade recipes but no luck. The neighborhood pseudo-doctors had another point now, I didn't produce milk because it was C-section. They added, breast feeding time is when babies bond with their mothers. Formula fed babies would not have same loving relationship with their mothers like breast-fed babies. And some thought, I was not inclined to breast feed for other reasons.
As months passed by, I was told (or warned) again and again by different people in different tones: Not vaginal birth, not breast fed, and so I shouldn't expect that love bond between me and my daughter.
How much those lines hurt a new mother?!!? A woman can tolerate any relationship going wrong, but she can’t take it if you tell her, her own children wouldn't love her. I bugged my doctor and pediatrician again and again with the same question, “Wouldn't my daughter love me? Would she not find that good mother in me?” and my loving doctors always assured me that everything between my daughter and me would be perfectly fine, they might have understood my love from my tears.
Now my daughter is 2 years old. We share the same strong love bond as any other mom and daughter, I know she loves me the most!! I can tell you that from:
1. Her giggles when I come home
2. Her pride when she tells my mother that she wants to look exactly like me.
3. Her anger when someone says a word against me
4. Her tears when I cry in pain
I had C-section and I didn’t produce enough milk for my baby, those were my medical conditions and had nothing to do with my love for my child. I didn’t have a choice or a chance to change them. Like every other mother, I love my baby more than anything in this world. I would do anything in my might to give her the best!!
Shared by my junior!!
Image source : Flickr
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