Thank God, It's a boy!!!!

I was savouring my favourite Hyderabadi Biryani at a local restaurant, along with my husband and few other friends, when my back muscles started crumbling. A sharp pain that would start from my lower back and radiates into my stomach for few seconds and stop. After 10 mins, it would start again and the cycle continued for a while. I called my gynic at 10:00 PM in the night, she asked me to go for a checkup immediately. 

Duty doctor tested me, “You are already in labour. Your water would break any time from now”. 

I wasn’t prepared!! Tears rolled down my cheeks because as I had plans of pregnancy shoot, very next day, also some pending shopping for the little one and more than anything I was not prepared myself for this big day.

Almost after 12 hours into very painful labour, doctor said, “Baby is coming out”. As I was not able to push any further, doctor pulled out the baby with forceps. My husband, who was with me in the labour was almost in tears when he held our baby for the first time. They let me hold the baby for few seconds, and said, they need to take the baby to neonatal ward before he catches any infection . My husband stepped out with baby in his hands, and showed it to my mother and others waiting outside labour room.

My mother said, “Thank God, It’s a boy!!!”

And for next one week, we have many relatives and friends at house to congratulate us. Many of them meant, “Thank God, It’s a boy!!!” in various tones and styles.  My husband, who is from all-boys family, was very irritated with this one sentence, he asked me, “Why is everyone saying that, what’s wrong if it’s a girl??”

I have country’s best education and I work for one of the top companies of the world; Excellent academic record and successful career track, better than that of many males. 'But still, they were obsessed with a male boy, backward thinking' were his thoughts. 

I understand why!!!

My parents treated me and my younger brother almost equally. We went to same school, both of us were given equal opportunity to excel in studies, both of us were taught to drive, to cook and also do other household work.

After my +12, I got admission in one of the best colleges of the country, but I had to cross six states. One of my supposedly well-wishers, my Uncle, said to my mother, “Why do you want to send a girl so far? It is expensive too. It’s okay if you send your son but don’t send her. There are many good local colleges” My mother said, “It is not easy to get admission there, she worked hard for it and I do not want to stop her”. But my parents were constantly reminded by everyone that it was a mistake. Even now!!!

I returned to my home after few years to work for a company, I got into through campus placements. I was very happy, but euphoria didn't last long!! Everyone seem to be worried about my salary, what my parents were doing with it and some even mocked that they were living on a girl’s money, indicating that they have to get me married off as soon as possible. And all of them would have more than one suitable match for me, in their database.

Even before they reveal details of the guy, first question would be,

“What would you give her in marriage?”

My mother was very particular about education and they would tell her,

“If you ask for someone from top colleges or settled in US, they demand even more. This is the problem if a girl has a good education, she would have higher expectations. You have to spend for her education and much more for her wedding”.  

Almost every day, we would have a discussion (more of a fight) about my marriage and how much money we saved for it. Like many girl parents, my parents had parked more money for my wedding than for my education or I would say my brother’s education.

I remember my mother saying, “I wish you were a boy, and your brother (who was in 12^th standard then), was a girl. Then, we would have bought new house, but now we need to save money for your wedding”. I didn’t understand why my parents have to save so much for my wedding. I don’t remember talking them about saving for my brother’s wedding anytime, even in recent past.

My parents were also liberal to not restrict me to speak to boys. I knew my husband for more than 6 years before we thought about marrying each other. He was one of the frequent guests at my house, and my parents always liked him. When I first told about getting married to him, they happily agreed. After a month, my mother said, “NO”. Her reasons, “No one will have a problem if your brother marries someone out of the caste, but it would be a hot topic in our neighborhood and family, if a daughter did the same. Everyone will think, we got one without spending a penny.”  A girl is the respect of the family and boy is the pride of the family. 

Many said, it is my parents mistake to give me so much freedom, which made me too independent to comply with their decisions. Between these discussions, I had also completed my post-graduation, warned by many again but not stopped by parents. My father was also on my side, and eventually my mother had to agree for my wedding.

My husband knows me very well, how strong my values and opinions are. I don’t know his part of the story, his parents didn’t talk about it but my parents told them what they would give me in the marriage. But my husband and I never agreed for this barter system.

Like in many families, we follow groom’s family customs, so most of my family’s traditions and customs were dropped, it wasn’t easy for us. There is always that hard or soft pressure on girl’s parents to comply.

When I went to my husband for the first time, some middle aged women from the village were discussing what my mother had sent with me and were eager to open the boxes. They meant wedding gifts. My poor mother packed five different kinds of sweets, snacks, glass bowl sets, but forgot something. Someone asked me, “Oh, your mother didn’t send us fabric pieces!??!” I felt very embarrassed, and so did my husband. It wasn’t a very warm welcome. I had taken gifts again when my son was born though my mom had difficulty in arranging them, as my father used to work in a different city. But, rules are rules and customs are customs.  My husband & I also visited my parents many times, but without any gifts for our neighbors.

Few months later, a 60+ woman, asked me “How much did you give our boy?” With a straight face, I said, “Nothing!!” My mother-in-law interfered, “We didn’t ask anything” and then the lady threw one dirty look at my mother, “What!!! You got such a charming (she said ‘sone jaisa ladka’) husband for free!!???” There was pin drop silence in the room. My mother was hurt and I wanted to retort, but it was not my parents’ house. And I know my parents were part of many such humiliating experiences at many other places.

I know my charming husband would have got good rate in Indian marriage market, and I am smart enough to understand that I would have got  the same rate, if not better as my profile was even better, if I were a man. But, who would bother to look at it that way, either it is generosity of them or shrewdness of my parents to get away with an eligible bachelor absolutely free!! I know very few people actually giving credit to my parents for my education or job.

Sharing an experience of another girl, in one of the arranged weddings, a family had chosen a girl for their son, wedding dates were almost finalized. But then, after few weeks, they dropped that match because that girl and her sister were brought up by a single father. Her mother had died many years ago and so they were worried that mother-in-law had to stretch herself when the prospective daughter-in-law would be expecting. So they cancelled the match. I found it ridiculous until it was my own pregnancy.

Thanks to my amazing husband, I didn’t need help from my mother when I was pregnant. My mother is not a very healthy lady. But still, after my son was born, my mother moved with me to new city and lived with us for almost a year, to look after my son while I go for work. It was not easy for her to live in a city not of her mother-tongue and for my father to cook for himself all the while. I am not sure if my mother would help my brother’s prospective wife in the same way. But I know, if I need someone’s help, she has to come again. She has no choice, because she is a girl’s mother. Sad but true, a daughter never belongs to the family she was born into, but always their responsibility. Even now, my parents do not worry about my brother as much they worry about me.

If not for my strong mother, I would not have had such an education and job, and again, if not forhfor and supporting husband, I would have ended my career almost a year ago, as advised by many of well-wishers again and again including his family.

My husband considers me equal and luckily I didn’t get married to super orthodox family. Given my circle, I may have known only a few instances, but my parents know many bitter experiences of many other girl parents. There are always long- nosed jerks around, who always have an advice to give, a mistake to find out and a reason to look down girl’s parents. Generally, girls’ parents are expected to be obedient, submissive and thankful.

In all the religions and across the globe, almost all the traditions are un-friendly to girl’s parents.

They are expected to supply, not to demand.

They are expected to listen, not to talk.

They are expected to follow, not to lead.

They are expected to compromise, not to confront

And…they abide by these rules because they want their princess to be happy even in the new house. A girl’s academic or career achievements are undervalued compared to husband's.

My parents didn't raise me differently for being a girl, but everyone else treated them just like parents of a girl... And that is so unfair to them. 

If I have a daughter, she might have thought, I had to go through the same torment again and might be even more difficult and challenging for me as I am more independent, radical, stubborn,  and more sensitive than her. She is not obsessed with the male child, but like all the mothers, she was selfish enough to think life should be easy on her daughter. 

I know why she said, “Thank God, It’s a boy” 

But, my husband and I need a daughter for many other reasons, even if it is difficult to raise her as an equal to boy, in a patriarchal society. Daughter is always the darling of the house and every house is incomplete without her. We hope, we would be blessed with a girl next time to complete our family.

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It is not always her fault....

It is not her fault if she gets raped by few morons in a moving bus at 9:00 in the night

It is not her fault if her trusted friend takes an advantage of her drunken state

It is not her fault if a retarded throws acid at her for rejecting his proposal

It is not her fault if she is tricked by her 1^st standard teacher to lift her skirts up

It is not her fault if her heart urges to see her parents and siblings, after marriage

It is not her fault if she gets mocked in her new house for not bringing enough gifts

It is not her fault if she gets raped in her own house every night

It is not her fault if she is slapped because he didn't like the food she prepared

It is not her fault if her partner divorces her alone with three children, for another woman

It is not her fault if she can never bear a child for health reasons

It is not her fault if her children have poor manners or bad grades at school

It is not her fault if her daughter chooses to marry someone outside their religion

It is not her fault if many prospective grooms reject her in search of beauty or money

It is not her fault if she is killed in the dark because they were expecting HIM

I am tired of reading media articles in newspapers about assaults on women outside the house, in which a woman is blamed for her dress, for being out or for her naive attitude... I am also tired of listening to family & neighborhood daily anecdotes, where a woman is blamed for marital conflicts, her husband's extra marital affairs, her children's ill-manners, her own health conditions..... There is always a line between victim and culprit, but when it comes to a misfortune in a woman's life, on roads or inside her own house, we conveniently breach the line and make her part of the crime itself. When she needs our empathy, we raise our eye brows...

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15 Annoying things about families of NRIs

** NRI Uncle = Father of NRI cousin/friend

** NRI Aunty = Mother of NRI cousin/friend

1. They can't take a "NO" for their NRI son

When a girl rejects NRI groom, “How? How can she reject you, an NRI ? Beta.. just don’t think of her. She is brainless, she doesn’t know what has been offered to her. She is a country girl, she doesn’t deserve AmeriKa…”

2. They forget that their NRI son belonged to India, once upon a time

"My son has only 2 weeks to marry. If you are not ready, no problem, we will look for another girl. We are totally against dowry. But people will think he has some defect if you do not give anything. He earns x crores a month, how can we face our relatives if you offer less than 10x crores. Forgot to tell you… He can’t stand heat and pollution in India, your house to wedding hall to loo, everything should be air-conditioned. Tell your pundit not to show him Arundati. He will get tanned. Oh another thing, my son drives BMW, send at least Audi for Baraat…"

And the family drives Tata Nano in India.

3. They want only NRI grooms for their daughters. 
Last line of matrimonial ads of prospective brides: "Only NRIs from USA, Canada, UK and     Australia"

So you need  a way for you and your family to fly abroad without you working 18 hours a day for an MNC or studying for GRE, GMAT, TOEFL, wasting 2 years and 20+ lakhs on foreign MS or MBA. I really like the honesty. 

4. They wouldn't leave any opportunity to brag about their NRI son
Uncle 1 to NRI Uncle : “Howz your Son doing?”

NRI Uncle : “Oh, My son is in New York, working for xyz company, earning x.y crore a year, almost z lakhs per month. He recently bought Audi.....” Even without looking at Uncle #1, he turns to you and asks you, “Beta, where do you work and what is your salary?”

Uncle ji, Who am I here? A scale to compare your son? 
Btw..He didn't ask your son’s biography.

5. They ask you to postpone your wedding dates for their NRI son
When you invite your NRI cousin & their family to your wedding in March, 2 months in advance i.e in January, “Beta, how can Rahul plan a trip to India in such a short notice? Why can’t you postpone it to December, he gets 15 days off..”

Yes, one should look at US holiday calendar even before looking at muhurtham

6.  Everything and anything in India has a monetary value, including their NRI son's attendance

If NRI cousin still can’t make it, his parents, after they make sure all your relatives are in house puts speaker phone on, "I got urgent assignment, I have to be here. Also this is peak season, It would cost me 2.5 lakhs for this trip, but still I wanted to come just to see you tie the knot. I wanted to gift you 1 lakh, but now I will transfer 2.5 lakhs +1 lakh to your personal account as my wedding gift. You shouldn't think otherwise,"

What do you expect me to tell your son now, 'don’t come but transfer the money?'

7. Atleast one lame function or party, if they can’t find any reason, a puja when their NRI son visits India.

How else can they boast about their NRI son to whole world?

8. They do not value time and commitments of Indian employees. 

NRI Uncle calls you and says, "Beta… Rahul is planning to meet you on mm.dd.yy date at x:y AM in abcd city. He is so excited”. When you tell him that you have a prior appointment, "This is the only date he is free. You understand right, how tightly packed his trip is... Your company won't collapse if you are not there for one day..."

Yes, I am that roadside romeo without work and personal life, dying to meet your son and ready to travel to any city on any day.

9. Anything and Everything in their house is from America

When you compliment NRI aunty, “Wow Aunty, that’s such a nice cup." She starts, "Oh, this one? My daughter got it from States. This bedset, cookery set, photoframe….…my comb, my dental floss are also from…" and then she turns to her maid, "Hey... Careful. That dustpan is also from America..." and turns to you, "You see, you do not get such quality products in India…"

Aunty ji, did you ever check the packing information, atleast half the products are exported from India or China. You will get quality even if you pay in INR

10.  Irrespective of your age, you will get one pack of AMERICAN Chocolates and many other gifts

Plus some funky T-shirt which says “Washington...blah blah”, if you are a boy and Nail Paint, Hair bands, pins etc., to girls

11. They safeguard culture in India but anything in America is Okay

 When you visit NRI Aunty's house in jeans,“Beti.. you shouldn’t wear jeans, that’s not our culture…” and after a while she shows you an album  of her daughter(or in-law) in miniskirts, “Lovely, isn’t she?”

12. And their grand children are exceptionally talented. 
"Education in US is very good. My grandchildren speak very good English, not like kids here..."  

It is funny to watch those kids ripping off Indian language while the grannies kill English. Tit for Tat.

13. They bring their NRI son into everything happening in your family

When you gift a saree to your mom on her birthday, NRI aunty comes and tells her, “Oh... My son gave me an iPhone, you know it is 50,000 Rupees”

Aunty ji but your son gave you the phone he used for two years because he wanted to buy new mobile. That wouldn’t count as a gift. But, how does it matter?

14. They talk so much about America that your own family feel terrible about you. 

Your mom slams you for not going to America, "You were school topper while her son struggled to get pass marks. I was so proud of you but see now he is earning more than you, his mom has so many nice (AMERICAN) things in her house…Every alternate year, they buy one flat… I lose my face because of you...”

“Amma.. you have me in the house” but who cares??

15. They take so much pride in America but wouldn't want you go there. 

When your desperate mom seeks help from NRI Aunty, "Oh Jaya…. You know it is not so easy to get into US and anyways life sucks there. Climate is horrible, no culture, no values… My son is planning to return to India in next few years…"

Next few years would remain next few years at any point of time in their lifetime.

PS : I am one of the many confused Indians who cannot decide between settling in India and US

Disclaimer: 
This blog is written in hilarious tone. I am not against people going to America or any other foreign country for better job prospects or life style. I have some amazing friends and relatives in US, and their families here in India are also pretty awesome. This blog is about those Aunties and Uncles who take utmost pride of their son/daughter being in America and demean the ones who choose to work in India. Professionally I never felt devalued for studying and working in India, but in personal life yes, by constantly being compared with someone in AmeriKa. Fact is that I earn in Rupees and I spend in Rupees.

All the situations and characters in this post are fictional. Any resemblance to real persons is purely intentional. 

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Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right attitude to appreciate it

Objectification of women and obsession with her physical beauty are very old problems. But, instead of pulling ourselves up, we are just digging ourselves deeper and deeper into the problem. Obsession with physical beauty has become an epidemic and unfortunately, millions of us across the globe are victims.  

How do we define a beautiful woman?

Tall, skinny, flawless Fair skin, silky hair and sharp facial features..etc

How many women are born perfectly beautiful (as per above definition, with no single flaw)?

May be <5%.

Then, why to be harsh on girls for their genetic lottery?

Most of the characteristics we consider as measures of beauty come from genes, something a woman has no control over. It is pure luck, decided by nature. But we ridicule girls for their physical flaws.

   

Judging a woman for her external beauty starts very early, right from birth. When a new child comes to greet the world, the first thing we want to find out is, “Girl or Boy” and next thing is skin colour and more specifically if it is a girl, because fair is considered beautiful. As the girl grows, friends, family, relatives and even strangers have a say in how she looks or she should look, they may not be rude, but it definitely hurts at some level :

“The younger sister is fair, she will easily get married... But her parents will have tough time with the elder one”

“Her eyes are not beautiful as her mother’s...”

“She got that job only because of her looks”

“Oh my god, you are not married yet, and you gotta grey hair?”

“Look at your height, dear…This dress is for long legged girls...”

“Dark-coloured girls should try only light colours.. ”

The list would go on….

We reached a point, where we think, it is completely okay to publicly comment on woman’s bod. She is not a doll or a painting in magazine; she has ears, heart and feelings too. When I was a kid, I was constantly compared to my cousin who was fairer than me. I grew with a notion that I was not beautiful because I am not fair skinned. May be some of you were strong, but I was emotionally weak as a teenager . I was one of those many young girls and women who cry to sleep helplessly over something that is not in their control.

While some girls bounce back and prove their strength somewhere else, but research says, many of them would turn bitter towards others, and revenge by pointing out flaws in someone else they come across.  End result, we have a society in which 8 in every 10 women are un-happy with at least one part of their body. Few years back, my grand mother told me, women who are happy about themselves, make happy homes. It hurts to see 

A mother who constantly monitors what her to-be-married daughter eats,

A friend who wouldn’t want to be clicked pictures,

A cousin who is not excited about trying a new dress,

A colleague who sits to herself and doesn’t mingle with others,

A neighbour who suspects her husband every minute,

An aunt who never attends any of the family functions,

Another grumpy aunty who finds a physical flaw in every girl of the family,

A teenage girl who spends more than 10K a month on cosmetics and beauty treatments and

A 5+ year young girl who bugs her mother, “Why am I not fair like you? Why didn’t you eat fruits for me when I was inside you, don’t you love me?”

If someone is benefited from this external beauty concept, it is billion-dollar beauty industry and entertainment media. Unfortunately, they would keep bombarding us with the pictures of supposed-to-be perfect photo-shopped women. They wouldn't change, but we can change ourselves.

It is not important to stress ourselves to fit into that narrow definition of physical beauty. It is not arrogance, but confidence, if you see yourself beautiful. Let us love our bodies as they are, because it is where we have to live in for many more years to come. If you keep your body and mind clean and  healthy, you will always find yourself and the person next to you beautiful!!! If you are a man who is reading this, tell women (your wife, mother, sister, daughter and friends) in your lives at least once in a week, that they are beautiful for what they are. If you are a woman, next time, when you hear someone judge you or someone else, tell them it is rude and unacceptable. Speak out. It is not okay to speak about our body without our consent. Learn to ignore such comments and move on.

The intrinsic value of a person is much higher than his/her physical appearance. It is not important to stress ourselves to fit into that narrow definition of beauty, developed by some pseudo intellectuals. Every woman is beautiful.

PS : It is unfortunate that this beauty epidemic is now spreading to males as well. The content of this blog applies to men as well, except for few examples.

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If you are a good girl, you have to be at home doing housework : says Delhi Gang rape convict

Entire world said, "It is the most brutal attack on a woman", but even after three years, one of the convicts of Nirbhaya Delhi bus rape, Mukesh Singh, showed no remorse and he blames the woman for the assault.

Some of his comments in prison interview to BBC were :
 - A girl is far more responsible for rape than a boy
 - When being raped, she shouldn't fight back. She should just be silent and allow the rape
 - A decent girl won't roam around 9:00 at night. 
 - Boy and girl are not equal. Housework and housekeeping is for girls.
 - The death penalty will make things worse because now they will kill the girl after raping her

Unfortunately, even the well educated ones, his lawyers put blame on the victim. His lawyer,AP Singh said:

"If my daughter or sister engaged in pre-marital activities and disgraced herself and allowed herself to lose face and character by doing such things, I would most certainly take this sort of sister or daughter to my farmhouse, and in front of my entire family, I would put petrol on her and set her alight."

Another defence lawyer, ML Sharma said,

"In our society, we never allow our girls to come out from the house after 6:30 or 7.30 or 8.30 in the evening with any unknown person."

Our families are careful to not send girls out alone because these notions from society made it unsafe. If you found a girl outside at night, it doesn't mean you can do anything to her and it is justified. More than comments of the bus driver, the words of his lawyers hurt me. When some of the elite men of society still think women are to be blamed for the rapes, how safe is our country for women? What value did education add to these morons? Why no law punishes them when they make such stupid remarks against women? Is our judiciary system so stupid to allow defense lawyers talk any rubbish to save their most brutal client?

This appalling attitude of some men towards women is the main reason for attacks against women.

When would we start teaching men the right manners and stop blaming women for  eve teasing, rape, murder, domestic violence, divorce?

Source of the mentioned comments by convicted and his lawyers : http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/india/11443462/Delhi-bus-rapist-blames-his-victim-in-prison-interview.html

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Clothes make the man and also the woman: Why do women neglect corporate dress code?

Last week, I was part of soft skills workshop in office. There was a discussion on dressing and grooming. While the speaker elaborately discussed corporate code for men, he said, he did not want to discuss on dress code of women as it is very sensitive topic and mockingly said women would get offended if someone gives them fashion advice. It struck to me that in my so many corporate years, this topic was never actively discussed even though women are also observed for professional etiquette, dress being part of it. Frankly speaking, though jeans/T-shirts were not part of my office wear, I was too casual in my first two corporate years. Transition from college to organization needs few changes in wardrobe, I wish someone had told me this. Now, being in management role, I have seen many managers use harsh tone on male colleagues for un-ironed shirts, folded sleeves, extra grown beard, or unpolished shoes. We women get away with few things because we are women ;) Such conversations about women may not be open, but doesn't mean unnoticed.   

  

In the context of work place, 90% of our impressions are formed within the first 20-30 seconds on meeting a stranger.58% of our impressions are based on how we look, 33% on how we sound and 7% on what we say. Irrespective of your designation, your dress to work is an undeniable contributor to your professional success.

Why is your attire important, when all that should matter is performance? 

Because, what others perceive as performance is more important than what we see as performance.

1. Even before we speak, what we wear and how we’re groomed sends a very strong message about our commitment to work 
2. Casual dressing has negative effect on one’s productivity. Studies suggest that dress has an effect on task at hand and our energy level
3. When you dress professionally, you would be respected by your peers, subordinates and superiors. People will take you seriously and start listening to your ideas
4. Your chances of promotion or success in interviews would be higher. Performance is always important, but if a manager has to choose between two equals, preference would be always to the one who exhibits professionalism

Though policies of many organizations are gender neutral, many people inside the organization do not take women colleagues seriously. Women also need to invest time, money and efforts to make that mark in organization.

What to wear and what not to wear to office is always a confusion to many of the women. Many companies in India allow women to wear Indian and also western. Wear what are you comfortable in and what you can carry elegantly. However, we need to follow certain guidelines both for Indian, western wear or lately coined Indo-western wear.

Indian Formals: Plain cotton/semi-cotton sarees or salwar kameez with plain dupatta. Preferably light pastel shades.

Indo-western: Short kurtas, Long tunic like Kurtas with trouser-like pajamas

Avoid: Sleeveless, Jeans, Floral prints, Flashy colours, transparent blouses, Low-cut necklines, embroidered material, leggings, chudidhaars, Anarkalis and tight fits

Western Formals: A dress pant or skirt with matching jacket is considered business formal for women. Use only conservative colors – black, dark grey or dark blue only. Khaki colour (brown) shades are not famous outside India, but acceptable in India

Trouser length: One and a half inches from the floor to the back of the heel. Pants should never be tight fitting.

Shirts: Classic collared, modest silk, High Neck or simple print in white, cream, grey, dark blue, black or pastel colours

Skirt length: Women’s skirt length should not be more than ½ inch above the knee.

Jackets: Long sleeved. Colour should match the skirt and/or pants perfectly.

It is not just dress, the overall look is very important. We should take care the accessories we wear in line with the image we want to portray.

Shoes: Close-toed, low or no heel in Black, dark blue or dark grey color. No provocative styles, no sandals or flip flops. The heel on the shoe should be 1 ½ to 2 inches high. Your shoes should perfectly match your trousers. If you are in Indian wear, you may wear low heel sandals.

Accessories: Stick to the bare essentials. Follow the rule of 13, according to which a woman should wear maximum of 13 accessories including glasses, earrings, neck chains, watches, bracelets, rings, a belt, scarf, ornate buttons and buckles. Invest in good leather hand bag or brief case.

Avoid: Dangling earrings, imitation jewelry, more than one bangle, anklets with bells etc

Nails: Short, well-manicured nails; If you intend to use nail paint, a single tone in light shades of peach, silver or pink.

Makeup: Minimal, Naturalistic. Eyes and lips are most important communication tools. Pastel shades of lipstick with a light eye liner. No loud lipsticks or eye shades. If you want to wear bindi, use a small and plain red or black one. 

Hair style: Try an easy to maintain hairstyle that will enhance your overall look. Hair length should be shoulder length or shorter. If you have a long hair, plait it and never leave it loose or in a pony. [I noticed few women who just leave their hair uncombed after a hair wash and leave it open in office. People may not tell you, but it is definitely irritating for others.]

Avoid: Hair streaks, flowers or stoned-hair accessories.

Dress code differs from company to company, follow the dress code of the company you work for. When you are in doubt about your company’s policy, mirror the highest-ranking female in your company.

Remember, office is the not the environment where you follow the latest trends and fashion. Your attire must say about your seriousness towards your career.  Trust me, if you follow professional dress code, you would soon notice that difference in your colleagues’ attitude towards you.

PS : Please let me know your opinion on importance of attire for professional success of a woman through your comments.

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India will soon be dowry-free if families start taking pride in bahu’s job and not dowry

India's three biggest problems with respect to women are Sexual assaults, Domestic violence and female foeticide. One of the reasons behind last two is our long-prevailing dowry system. Though there are many laws prohibiting dowry in any form, perception of society that girl is a burden to parents didn't change much. How do we change this notion?

Many of you might have watched Ariel’s new ad campaign, “Is laundry only a woman’s job?” If you hadn't seen it already, please watch it here : 

This is a thought provoking social movement by Ariel. Ariel says, "When everyone is talking about equality between men and women in every field, then why is laundry considered just a woman's job?" But, I like this ad for completely different reasons. The same message could have been shot with a different back drop. For example, imagine the following story-line : 

A woman having a very bad day at office, coming home late and tired just to find out unattended pile of laundry and her husband on a couch, relaxed and watching an Indo-Pak WC match. Then, throwing up at the audience the question – “Is laundry only a woman’s job?

The above imaginary ad will just make us (women) feel more depressed, hopeless, and exploited and give us another reason to fight with our husbands. Our husbands would have cursed Ariel. By the way, most of the TV commercials centered on gender (women) discrimination are under such sad backdrops.

Instead, the advertisers have chosen a very healthy backdrop that models change in the attitude of mothers-in-law. I love this ad for five reasons:

1. Two elderly women discussing about the progress the women have made in last few years
2. A saas proudly boasts that her bahu earns higher than her son. The other lady smiles approvingly.
3.   The lady, daughter in law, is seen in western wear and not saree or salwar covering her head in ghoonghat. I don’t even see her wearing any marital symbols.
4. The lady is busy, preparing to go to work – checking her tablet, working on laptop etc. I am happy that she is not in kitchen. 
5. When the husband asks his wife why she has not washed his green shirt, his mom looks equally puzzled and embarrassed at her son

This is exactly the change we need.

Have you seen any Indian MIL approving the fact that a wife can earn higher income but still run a healthy family? It shouldn’t be us, who fight with husbands for sharing that extra load at home. Our mothers should teach our brothers, and mothers-in-law our husbands to help women at home. I know many men who help their wives, but their mothers won’t approve of it. They cry inconsolably when they see their sons in kitchen. A change should begin at home and with a mother. 

I am hopeful that, seeing this new Ariel commercial, at least few mothers (& in-law) would change and start talking more about woman’s education and employment, and not about how much dowry she got from her parents. Kudos to Ariel for such a beautiful ad!!! We need more of such prime time commercials to subtly change the society's expectations from a modern-day woman.

PS : HerLifeHerChoice is my first attempt at blogging. Please leave your feedback in comments section to help me improve my posts. You may choose to be anonymous.

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Her name is not just a word

Before I got married, I fancied the idea of adding my husband’s name to mine and at times I tried various male names to find the one that matches my first name. I know it was childish: P But, when I had to actually change it, I backed out. People started asking me, why I haven’t changed it yet. I asked my husband for his opinion. He said, "completely your choice". I thought I should try. The first place I changed my name was on facebook, but only for two days. I felt a part of me was missing, incomplete. The first sentence I learnt at school was “My name is….” and I realized, “My name” would not be mine anymore. It may not be so difficult for some women, but for me it was. 

Not changing my name is not just about gender equality.  I wouldn't change my name, even if my husband adds my name to his. My name is the title of my story. My name is me, I do not see it as different from me. I have been hearing it everyday at home, schools and work and now it resonates with  me. When  my name was called out during awards ceremonies or published in newspaper, I felt proud and so did my parents. I want to see that pride in their eyes in future as well. Yes, I am married, but my roots are still in my family and they cannot be taken away. For few who argue, it is just change of surname, my name was never my first name alone and it is just a word if not coupled with my family name.If I google my name, I see myself at different stages of life. Why should I start fresh with a new identity, when I have a beautiful past? 

I was asked if I wanted to change my name when I applied for marriage registration, my son's birth certificate, passport renewal, when my husband added me as his spouse, for aadhar card and at many other places. If answer is "No", a weird expression pops up on executive's face and he would look at my husband sympathetically. Even after three years of marriage, people still ask me, why I haven’t changed my name. They frown at my decision and directly link it to my relationship with extended family. Just because it is tradition or because someone else in the family did it, I do not get convinced to drop my family name. Every person has different relationship with self. Many get offended if their name is pronounced wrong or misspelled in emails or invitations, and we are talking about change of name here. A name is not just a word, it is part of one's soul. A marriage shouldn't alter a person’s identity and decision of the name change should be taken only by her. Let her do what she thinks right.

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Her Life, Her Choice

Her Life, Her Choice

Who are we to judge? 

As a society, we do not let women choose what they want to do, be it education, marriage or career. Parents, spouse or In-laws take decisions for us. It may be true for guys as well but definitely not as strong as in case of daughters. Luckily for the women born after 1980’s, things are better. We were allowed to go to schools, colleges and pursue a career, but which school, which degree and whom we should marry are predominantly family decisions and not personal choices. I think, parents have to play dominant role till the age of 16, and beyond that, they just need to guide and not take decisions on girl’s behalf.

Aren't women capable of deciding on their own? Why someone has to tell an educated and financially independent woman what she should do about her life, when to get married, when to bear children? Why should one interfere in her decisions of spouse, career, and motherhood? Why everyone has an opinion, when it comes to woman, how she should be, or to keep it simple, how a wife should be?  Polite, kind, smiling, caring, loving, obedient, submissive, patient, soft etc., and the list of physical features endless. Thanks to Mr. Chanakya for his contribution to this list. But, do we have similar rule-book for the other gender? May be there are, but not at same level. I can think of only one judgement against men,“Don’t cry like a woman” and yeah, in some families, women are not even allowed to cry as they believe woman’s tears bring bad fortune to the family. Does it mean, women in such family are treated like princesses? Nope, if they believe such sayings, they would also believe other superstitions against women, right? 

From smile to dressing style, there are predefined rules for women. If we do not follow them, we are judged, labled. And yes, these judgments are not from men always. Surprisingly, many women criticize other woman’s career & personal choices.

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