Adversity makes a person stronger

"Adversity makes strong people stronger and weak people weaker!!"

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Mommy, live guilt free!!

"Good moms have sticky floors, messy kitchen, laundry piles, dirty ovens & Happy Kids"

I read this quote many times before, but it didn’t make any impression. Trashed it off as one of the lazy mommy's defensive talk!! You learn certain things, only when you experience it!! And now with 1.5 yrs toddler around, these lines have become my favourites!! How much I wish, my husband or anyone else frames this and gifts me just like that – my birthday is too far!! I want to hang this, right there – Opposite our main door, as a welcoming board to my guests, even before they look at mess around. Ofcourse, it should also remind me what is important, I want to be at peace!!

We, Women take pride in neatly decorated homes. As I write this, I remember another Telugu quote, “Intini chusi Illalini Chudu” (Translated : Even before you see the woman, you can know her from her house). Poor thing, it doesn’t take into account – Kids!! If I have to keep my house neat and clean, I should restrict freedom of my son. He is too young to understand where things should be!! He likes to keep everything on floor, – from kitchen utensils to his toys.  As long as he is happy, it shouldn't matter!! His smiles bring more peace than a clean house!! I have given up my quest for perfect home!! 

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Don't be too busy to spend with your kids!!

"Don't keep yourself too busy to play with your kids. Your time is the most precious gift you can give to your children. Never let them walk away without a smile."

I always wonder, if I spend enough time with my toddler son? I want to spend with him, atleast as much time as my parents had spent with me. It is not just about working parents, many things have changed drastically over years.  Even my parents were working, but I knew exactly when they would be home - all of us used to leave home at 8:15 AM; my brother and I used to come home by 3:30 PM and our parents by 5:30 PM, same timings every day from Monday to Saturday. Sundays, all of us would be home. Mornings – we used to watch Moghli, Sri Krishna Chandrkanta etc on Durdarshan ; Biryani for lunch; Evenings – we used to go neighborhood children park, if not we will be meeting cousins for dinner. Life was predictable - It was definitely simple, more disciplined, clean and serenely happy.

I don’t think my son has such predictability, he doesn’t know when his parents would be home for that matter if we would be home at all, as both my husband and I need to travel for business trips. Nature of our jobs has changed over time, I really wonder if we have made more progress or added more hindrance with 24*7 working hours, 64 Channel Televisions, laptops, all-in-one smartphones etc.  My parents were never aware part of this “Work-Life balance” struggle, my parents used to earn enough for their times, we were middle class family. Now, we put double the effort (may not be physically but mentally yes) and also more hours into work, but even now we earn enough for the times now, we are still a middle class family.

For good or bad, we made progress in all the fields, and I definitely can’t keep my family aloof from this DEVELOPMENT, I just need to learn survive in this chaos now. I always wish my son had more peaceful and predictable childhood, like me. 

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Make it the life you want to live!!

"Don't let anyone rob you of your imagination, your creativity, or your curiosity. It's your place in the world; it's your life. Go on and do all you can with it, and make it the life you want to live" - Mae Jemison

Every word in the above lines has profound meaning. We often let others tell us what we should do or what we shouldn't do!! Nothing can motivate us more than our dream and nothing can demotivate a person as more than our one's own disbelief in self. There is only life, we have only one chance to do what we wanted do!! Don't let your dream die with you, Give it a life to let it live beyond you. 

About Mae Jemison:  

Mae C. Jemison is an American physician and NASA astronaut. She became the first African American woman to travel in space when she went into orbit aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour on September 12, 1992. She was born on October 17, 1956, in Decatur, Alabama. She was the youngest child of Charlie Jemison, a roofer and carpenter, and Dorothy (Green) Jemison, an elementary school teacher. After she obtained her M.D. in 1981, Jemison interned at Los Angeles County/University of Southern California Medical Center and later worked as a general practitioner. For the next two and a half years, she worked as the area Peace Corps medical officer for Sierra Leone and Liberia where she also taught and did medical research. Following her return to the United States in 1985, Jemison made a career change and decided to follow a dream she had nurtured for a long time. In October of that year, she applied for admission to NASA's astronaut training program. She holds nine honorary doctorates in science, engineering, letters, and the humanities. 

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Cesarean & Formula fed : Did I miss connecting with my baby?

The birthing experience of each mother is different and so is her story. When my husband and I learnt that I was pregnant, our happiness had no boundaries. We called every distant relative and friend to share our happiness. Pregnancy is the most beautiful phase, and also the most anxious phase of woman’s life.  Every minute, an expecting mother thinks of that little wonder growing inside her and weaves wonderful stories around her relationship with her baby. I was no different.

In every visit to the hospital, I had some serious and many silly questions to the doctor. I couldn't seek any advice from my friends or cousins, as I was first mum of the gang. I wanted to know more about my baby, but there are too many scary things on google. I realized, Newspaper and WWW circulate more negative stories than inspirational stories just like our local BBC reporters – neighborhood aunties who poke their long noses and wide ears into every other house to gather “Breaking news” for their weekly kitty party!!  The only people I could discuss my pregnancy fears were: Amma and Doctor. 

Like every other expecting mother, I had my birthing plans. I imagined myself screaming on top of my voice in pain, eventually fading away into pin-drop silence to unfold the magic - we hear my baby's first sounds. I would hug my baby as tears rolled down my cheeks, and time for a perfect-family selfie. Exactly like they had shown in movies!!! I dreamed same dream again and again every night for more than 8 months.

But it is not life, if everything goes as expected. Mine was very healthy pregnancy until week 36. when doctor said, “Your baby is doing very well except that she is in breach position. Baby weight is also on higher side, I wouldn't expect her to change position in next two weeks.” I wouldn't blame my mother, but she had already told her friends hoping some tips. In those two weeks, I did everything they told me to do to change my baby’s position – squatting, walking, knee to chest exercises and sleeping with a pillow under my hips for some time.

My baby didn’t change the position and so it was planned C-section. I was scared even of natural birth and now, surgery. I had never been admitted to hospital before, and I never had any medical cuts or stitches. But, I had pulled up my strength to do what doctor recommended as best for my baby.

What actually worried me was, when some elderly ladies told me, "babies who are not born naturally, do not develop that bonding with their mother".

I cried over this many days, my mother brushed them off as opinions and not scientifically proven, but those lines haunted me again and again. They were much elder to me, they had babies and know the psyche of pregnant women but still they didn't care to be gentle with their words. 

In 39^th week, I had undergone C-section to deliver 4-Kgs healthy baby girl!! I was given complete anesthesia and I saw her 4 hours after she was born. As I took my little wonder closer, doctor asked me to feed the baby. I tried, No milk!! I tried continuously for 5 days every 3 hours, but there were just few drops. I do not know why, but I didn't produce enough milk. I tried various allopathic medicines, also some homemade recipes but no luck. The neighborhood pseudo-doctors had another point now, I didn't produce milk because it was C-section. They added, breast feeding time is when babies bond with their mothers. Formula fed babies would not have same loving relationship with their mothers like breast-fed babies. And some thought, I was not inclined to breast feed for other reasons. 

As months passed by, I was told (or warned) again and again by different people in different tones: Not vaginal birth, not breast fed, and so I shouldn't expect that love bond between me and my daughter.

How much those lines hurt a new mother?!!? A woman can tolerate any relationship going wrong, but she can’t take it if you tell her, her own children wouldn't love her. I bugged my doctor and pediatrician again and again with the same question, “Wouldn't my daughter love me?  Would she not find that good mother in me?” and my loving doctors always assured me that everything between my daughter and me would be perfectly fine, they might have understood my love from my tears.

Now my daughter is 2 years old. We share the same strong love bond as any other mom and daughter, I know she loves me the most!! I can tell you that from:

1.       Her giggles when I come home

2.       Her pride when she tells my mother that she wants to look exactly like me.

3.       Her anger when someone says a word against me

4.       Her tears when I cry in pain

I had C-section and I didn’t produce enough milk for my baby, those were my medical conditions and had nothing to do with my love for my child. I didn’t have a choice or a chance to change them. Like every other mother, I love my baby more than anything in this world. I would do anything in my might to give her the best!!

Shared by my junior!!

Image source : Flickr

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My son has become my teacher!!

I had written this article for women's web.

Motherhood brings many changes in a woman’s life; it’s both a physical and emotional roller coaster ride. My son made me look at life from a different angle, he questioned my behaviour, my opinions and my lifestyle. Every kid learns from his or her parents, but every parent also learns from the child. I do not know what good lessons my son has picked up from me, but he has definitely taught me important lessons to be happy!!!

To live in the moment

Kids do not have back logs. I bring my leftover work home and take home issues to work, so every day is a total mess because nothing is perfect! He wakes up smiling every single morning and every day is a fresh, new opportunity for him to learn something new. He enjoys whatever he is doing – arranging the lego blocks or dismantling his toys part by part, or even biting me. If he loses interest, he drops it then and there, and moves to something else, but I cannot force him to do something he doesn’t like.

To care only for a few special people

His world consist of only two people – Amma and Dada. He is friendly with everyone, but doesn’t really bother about them. You may think, everyone would be polite with kids, but that’s not the case. In shopping malls, restaurants and temples, I meet people who are rude to my kid, and it upsets my entire day. However, he is never bothered by them. He starts crying only if his dad or I shout at him. I wish I can be like him, and not bother myself about too many people outside my family.

To love unconditionally

We tend to think, a mother’s love is unconditional. But I feel my son’s love for me is unconditional. I lose my temper and shout at him if he steps on food, opens the mosquito mesh, switches off my laptop and for many other silly things. Sometimes, I even take it out on him when I am irritated with someone else. When I shout at him, he cries, but comes back running to me. He hugs me and sobs, but he never gets angry at me. I am amazed at how much he trusts me. I don’t think anyone can love me the way my son does.

To be true to self, if not to the world

He never pretends like we adults do, and tries to please people around. Anger, pain, happiness or fear – he expresses his emotions. He is not ashamed of his weaknesses. He cries and laughs out loud, never really bothered about what others would think of him. My husband and I take the blame for other’s actions and try to behave as though everything is normal. But my son is not like us. He closes doors on the faces of children who try to steal his toys. If he doesn’t like someone, he has the courage to slap them on their face. I know, I cannot be so direct, but I want to be true to myself at least and tell myself, “If they are mean to you, it is not your mistake and it is okay to keep them out of your life.” He doesn’t pretend to be liking something he actually hates.

To live fearlessly, and with curiosity

We take everything for granted, but kids do not. They want to know more about everything they see or touch. They question everything around. I do not remember the source, but I’ve read somewhere that we learn more in the first 3 years of our lives than in the next 30 years. As adults, we do not bother learning about small things around us – what matters is the latest technology, new tools and new Operating Systems. Weren’t we more amused learning about the planets, physics and geometry than now when we learn new software tools?

To add a little fun to your otherwise boring life

After my son was born, we started laughing out loud, and more often. We stopped arguments (ninety percent of the arguments my husband and I have are about people outside our marriage). We get very less time to think about the nonsense in our lives. Our lives revolve around the little wonder at home. Looking at my son play, sometimes I forget why I was angry with my husband ten minutes back. He gives us reasons to love life. Kids add lots of fun to our lives.

To value people for what they are and not for what they own

Unfortunately, it is the grownups who give more importance to factors such as religion and status. But, children love others for what they are. My son eats from the same plate as my domestic helper, and he plays with the watchmen and their children. Some members of my family do not like such behaviour, but I do not stop him. The world would be such a better place, if we could love people around us for their good hearts, and not their bank balance.

I know as my son grows, he might lose his innocence, curiosity and humour. He will learn to act smart, sophisticated and busy. Like many of us, he will stop living, and will be busy running another rat race. But, I am hopeful that when he becomes a father to another little wonder, he will learn to live.

And that is life: learning, unlearning and then learning again.

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My wife earned double my salary. I had problems but learnt to deal with it

I met my wife for the first time in 1989 on my second day of MBA. Very beautiful and poise lady, quite contrary to my imagination of  women at IIMs. By the time, we graduated we decided to marry each other. Don’t ask me the details of how it all happened, because I have more important things to tell you. 

During campus placements, I got into a FMCG company and she got into one of the reputed MNC banks. We started off with almost same package, but completely in opposite directions. Her office was in Mumbai, in one of those posh buildings right in the middle of the city. While my first sales stint was in interior parts of Assam. She was in a new banking software project.  While I was exploring villages of North East, she traveled across the globe – UK, US and Europe. I didn’t understand where I was going. We used to romance on phone once a week, though ISD calls were pretty expensive those days.  We managed to pull it off and two years after our graduation, we were husband and wife.

My wife is a Go-Getter!! Very soon, she made very good mark in her company, and company was also doing very well, plus US dollars and UK pounds. Within two years of our careers, her earnings were double to mine. So, my wife was the primary bread winner!!

Image Source : Flickr

A woman earning more than men of the family !?! Isn't that a problem, even today?!! I couldn't understand if it was actually my problem, or I had problem because my parents and everyone else around us were seeing it as a problem. We were middle class conservative family and my mother was a home maker, I was the only son. They were okay with my wife working, but want her in some low profile jobs. They were worried that I would be dominated, threatened or whatever.  My wife has a say in every family decision we take, unlike my mother who never dared to speak against my father. 

Slowly, I started looking at the world from their lens and the devil in me woke up :

"Is she dominating?"
"Does she think very low of me?"

"How does society think of me, a failure?"

"Is she a threat to my respect?"

And then, the angel side :

“She studied in best colleges, she worked as hard as me, and so she excelled in her career ”

“I loved her, She chose me because she trusted me to support her. I always knew her career aspirations,  Why do I have problem now?”

“Many of my friends have better packages than me but am not bothered. Why am I comparing myself only with my wife?”

To tell you frankly, I have seen very few men/women in my career who are as passionate as my wife!! If she were my colleague, I would consider it pure bliss to work with such a person.     

My wife came home jumping after closing a million dollar deal, completely ignorant of the clash of titans in my mind. Days were moving slow!!

I thought I was very lucky when my senior offered me a new position in a beverages company, doubling my salary. WOW!! I didn’t think much, no discussions with friends or wife. My problem was no more a problem, what else could I ask for? Jumped in!! 

1 month, 2 months.. 6 months... I didn't like it at all, I was not a culture fit in this new company!! I was doing very well in my previous company, and more than anything I was happy with my job!! It looked a pretty bad idea and I realized I had messed it up so badly for obvious reasons. I felt stupid, comparing careers with my wife, my professional decision had more of personal dimension to it. I took this job only to satisfy my husband-ego!!

  realized, ‘I do not belong to this company.’ I wanted to quit, but quitting? How can a man be without a job? I continued in my new job for almost 1 year. I was not a top performer any more. My wife was quick to understand though I tried faking that smile at home. She convinced me to quit and I did. After 4 months, I landed myself in another company in the role that fit me well. Pretty soon, I was back to my former self.

I realized my wife is not a threat, but my shield. She is not my weakness, but my strength. I could kill that jealous devil in me forever. 

What happened to my parents…?

One day, my mother said to me :

“Is your marriage life okay? Your wife is beautiful, bold and brilliant... A combination that is very rare, but also intimidating to many men”

I looked straight into her years, "That is why I loved her in first place!!" 

"Don’t look her like your daughter-in-law and don't even treat her like your daughter. Consider her your second son. Take pride in her achievements, be part of her success"  We made peace at home!!

My wife and I would be touching 50 this year...and when we look back, both of us are proud of our careers!! 

Your spouse (working outside or inside home) is always your support system, never a threat!! Make your wife a true partner of life, you will be amazed at the quality of your personal and professional life.

Editor's Note :
Based on one of the many life lessons shared by a business veteran. We found it very inspiring and thought it would help many young couples. Please share this if you think it helps many of those working couples struggling to keep the balance!!

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If not for those few lines,Deepika Padukone's Empowerment video would have made sense!!!

By now, every one  might have watched the most viral Deepika's Women Empowerment video.

I watched it on Sunday, but couldn't post as I was migrating my blog to new domain. I was thinking about those lines again and again. People were extremely divided on this video, some applauded it and some completely rejected it as extreme feminist attempt.

I really liked some ideas of the video and more than the content, the attempt to drive women empowerment. My understanding is that the production team wanted viewers to discard the ideas of objectification of  a woman, and give importance to her inner soul. I liked the concept of 99 women, choice of colours, screenplay and background music. Sadly poor choice of the words negated the entire idea of women empowerment. And today, I read that somewhere the script was written by a male, Deepika should not have agreed to repeat those words!!

Here is the full transcript of the video :

My body, my mind, my choice

To wear the clothes I like; even if my spirit roams naked

My choice; to be a size 0 or a size 15

They don’t have a size for my spirit, and never will

To use cotton and silk to trap my soul is to believe that you can halt the expansion of the universe

Or capture sunlight in the palm of your hand

Your mind is caged, let it free

My body is not

Let it be

My choice

To marry, or not to marry

To have sex before marriage, to have sex out of marriage, or to not have sex

My choice

To love temporarily, or to lust forever

My choice

To love a man, or a woman, or both

Remember; you are my choice, I’m not your privilege

The bindi on my forehead, the ring on my finger, adding your surname to mine, they’re all ornaments and can be replaced

My love for you cannot, so treasure that

My choice; to come home when I want

Don’t be upset if I come home at 4am

Don’t be fooled if I come home at 6pm,

My choice; to have your baby or not

To pick you from 7 billion choices or not

So don’t get cocky

My pleasure might be your pain

My songs, your noise

My order, your anarchy

Your sins, my virtues

My choices are like my fingerprints

They make me unique

I am the tree not the forest

I am the snowflake not the snowfall

You are the snowflake

Wake up                                                       

Get out of the shit storm

I choose to empathize

Or to be indifferent

I choose to be different

I am the universe

Infinite in every direction

This is my choice

The lines in blue are my favorites. I highlighted the lines, I do not agree with, in red colour.

Feminism is not about women being superior to men 

Feminism is not a fight against men!! Respect Men!!!

Psuedo feminism is as dangerous as male chauvinism, if not more. The entire tone of the video is such that it is fight against men, it looked like a direct and very hostile attack. Feminism is not about downplaying men, it is fight against the idea of gender discrimination. Feminism is all about - Gender neutrality!! Anyways, it is not just the men who judge women, very often it is women who pull each other down.

Women empowerment is not about freedom to do any senseless thing you want to!!

Empowerment is not just taking your decisions, it is also about holding the complete responsibility of the consequences of those decisions. If you have sex and a baby outside your marriage, you need to hold the responsibility of raising the baby on your own, also with full dignity. You can't dump the baby and say, "It is my choice!!". That is not the empowerment we need.

Marriage is not a cage, it is a relationship!!

Even, he picked you from 7 billion choices, not just you!! A relationship between two people is a choice of both of them, respect the other person equally. You haven't done him a favour by choosing him and neither he did. Do not underplay his role in your life!! I will have a problem, if my husband spends too little time with me, if comes home at 4:00 AM every day..He promised to share his life and so I demand his time!! Certain decisions have to be mutually agreed!! The only sensible line about relationships in the whole video is, "The bindi on my forehead, the ring on my finger, adding your surname to mine, they’re all ornaments and can be replaced. My love for you cannot, so treasure that"

It is NEVER okay for a man or a woman, to have sex outside marriage. Period.

Such a wrong message to entire country or world!! You cannot insult the institution of marriage in any country. Why to call yourselves - " a wife and a husband", if you cannot hold the sanctity of your marriage?? Break it and do whatever you want, but do not advise people around to cheat their spouses. Which country calls this empowerment? The video should have been banned for this one disgusting line, because extramarital affairs are punishable under law. 

Concept is good, but the topics of discussion should have been different!!

The image of Deepika should have been used to drive attention to many other pressing issues - female infanticide, Dowry, domestic violence, Acid attacks, blaming women for rapes, less representation of women in many fields and many more!! I do not understand how Deepika or vogue team arrived at linking "choice to have sex outside marriage" as women empowerment. I think, the only important issue this video addresses is objectification of women in first few seconds.

Last, but not least, here are best comments from Deepika Narayan Bhardwaj : 

"If it is your choice to have sex outside marriage, it should be his choice too. Don't then call him a womanizer or get offended if he calls you a slut because what opinion he has of you is his choice! If he wants to marry a fair, beautiful girl don't call him sexist...because it is his choice to choose the partner he wants. If he wants to marry a woman who brings with her lot of wealth during marriage for his better life...don't call him a dowry seeker because it is his choice. It is his choice too to love a man or a woman or just himself or noone inside or outside of marriage. Don't ridicule him calling him impotent , gay, tharki and get him arrested because who he loves whether inside or outside marriage is his choice. It is his choice whether he wants to live with his parents or not. Don't force him for what you want because it's his choice and YOU made a choice to come to his home. Don't treat him as a robot that should operate so that your choices are taken care of. HE IS A HUMAN BEING and he too has ALL THE RIGHTS to HIS CHOICE! Also - do not file rape case on promise of marriage after having consensual sex because he made a CHOICE not to MARRY YOU. Ms Deepika Padukone and girls who agree with this video - make your choice but stand up to how society perceives your choices as - because how they look at it is entirely their CHOICE."

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Thank God, It's a boy!!!!

I was savouring my favourite Hyderabadi Biryani at a local restaurant, along with my husband and few other friends, when my back muscles started crumbling. A sharp pain that would start from my lower back and radiates into my stomach for few seconds and stop. After 10 mins, it would start again and the cycle continued for a while. I called my gynic at 10:00 PM in the night, she asked me to go for a checkup immediately. 

Duty doctor tested me, “You are already in labour. Your water would break any time from now”. 

I wasn’t prepared!! Tears rolled down my cheeks because as I had plans of pregnancy shoot, very next day, also some pending shopping for the little one and more than anything I was not prepared myself for this big day.

Almost after 12 hours into very painful labour, doctor said, “Baby is coming out”. As I was not able to push any further, doctor pulled out the baby with forceps. My husband, who was with me in the labour was almost in tears when he held our baby for the first time. They let me hold the baby for few seconds, and said, they need to take the baby to neonatal ward before he catches any infection . My husband stepped out with baby in his hands, and showed it to my mother and others waiting outside labour room.

My mother said, “Thank God, It’s a boy!!!”

And for next one week, we have many relatives and friends at house to congratulate us. Many of them meant, “Thank God, It’s a boy!!!” in various tones and styles.  My husband, who is from all-boys family, was very irritated with this one sentence, he asked me, “Why is everyone saying that, what’s wrong if it’s a girl??”

I have country’s best education and I work for one of the top companies of the world; Excellent academic record and successful career track, better than that of many males. 'But still, they were obsessed with a male boy, backward thinking' were his thoughts. 

I understand why!!!

My parents treated me and my younger brother almost equally. We went to same school, both of us were given equal opportunity to excel in studies, both of us were taught to drive, to cook and also do other household work.

After my +12, I got admission in one of the best colleges of the country, but I had to cross six states. One of my supposedly well-wishers, my Uncle, said to my mother, “Why do you want to send a girl so far? It is expensive too. It’s okay if you send your son but don’t send her. There are many good local colleges” My mother said, “It is not easy to get admission there, she worked hard for it and I do not want to stop her”. But my parents were constantly reminded by everyone that it was a mistake. Even now!!!

I returned to my home after few years to work for a company, I got into through campus placements. I was very happy, but euphoria didn't last long!! Everyone seem to be worried about my salary, what my parents were doing with it and some even mocked that they were living on a girl’s money, indicating that they have to get me married off as soon as possible. And all of them would have more than one suitable match for me, in their database.

Even before they reveal details of the guy, first question would be,

“What would you give her in marriage?”

My mother was very particular about education and they would tell her,

“If you ask for someone from top colleges or settled in US, they demand even more. This is the problem if a girl has a good education, she would have higher expectations. You have to spend for her education and much more for her wedding”.  

Almost every day, we would have a discussion (more of a fight) about my marriage and how much money we saved for it. Like many girl parents, my parents had parked more money for my wedding than for my education or I would say my brother’s education.

I remember my mother saying, “I wish you were a boy, and your brother (who was in 12^th standard then), was a girl. Then, we would have bought new house, but now we need to save money for your wedding”. I didn’t understand why my parents have to save so much for my wedding. I don’t remember talking them about saving for my brother’s wedding anytime, even in recent past.

My parents were also liberal to not restrict me to speak to boys. I knew my husband for more than 6 years before we thought about marrying each other. He was one of the frequent guests at my house, and my parents always liked him. When I first told about getting married to him, they happily agreed. After a month, my mother said, “NO”. Her reasons, “No one will have a problem if your brother marries someone out of the caste, but it would be a hot topic in our neighborhood and family, if a daughter did the same. Everyone will think, we got one without spending a penny.”  A girl is the respect of the family and boy is the pride of the family. 

Many said, it is my parents mistake to give me so much freedom, which made me too independent to comply with their decisions. Between these discussions, I had also completed my post-graduation, warned by many again but not stopped by parents. My father was also on my side, and eventually my mother had to agree for my wedding.

My husband knows me very well, how strong my values and opinions are. I don’t know his part of the story, his parents didn’t talk about it but my parents told them what they would give me in the marriage. But my husband and I never agreed for this barter system.

Like in many families, we follow groom’s family customs, so most of my family’s traditions and customs were dropped, it wasn’t easy for us. There is always that hard or soft pressure on girl’s parents to comply.

When I went to my husband for the first time, some middle aged women from the village were discussing what my mother had sent with me and were eager to open the boxes. They meant wedding gifts. My poor mother packed five different kinds of sweets, snacks, glass bowl sets, but forgot something. Someone asked me, “Oh, your mother didn’t send us fabric pieces!??!” I felt very embarrassed, and so did my husband. It wasn’t a very warm welcome. I had taken gifts again when my son was born though my mom had difficulty in arranging them, as my father used to work in a different city. But, rules are rules and customs are customs.  My husband & I also visited my parents many times, but without any gifts for our neighbors.

Few months later, a 60+ woman, asked me “How much did you give our boy?” With a straight face, I said, “Nothing!!” My mother-in-law interfered, “We didn’t ask anything” and then the lady threw one dirty look at my mother, “What!!! You got such a charming (she said ‘sone jaisa ladka’) husband for free!!???” There was pin drop silence in the room. My mother was hurt and I wanted to retort, but it was not my parents’ house. And I know my parents were part of many such humiliating experiences at many other places.

I know my charming husband would have got good rate in Indian marriage market, and I am smart enough to understand that I would have got  the same rate, if not better as my profile was even better, if I were a man. But, who would bother to look at it that way, either it is generosity of them or shrewdness of my parents to get away with an eligible bachelor absolutely free!! I know very few people actually giving credit to my parents for my education or job.

Sharing an experience of another girl, in one of the arranged weddings, a family had chosen a girl for their son, wedding dates were almost finalized. But then, after few weeks, they dropped that match because that girl and her sister were brought up by a single father. Her mother had died many years ago and so they were worried that mother-in-law had to stretch herself when the prospective daughter-in-law would be expecting. So they cancelled the match. I found it ridiculous until it was my own pregnancy.

Thanks to my amazing husband, I didn’t need help from my mother when I was pregnant. My mother is not a very healthy lady. But still, after my son was born, my mother moved with me to new city and lived with us for almost a year, to look after my son while I go for work. It was not easy for her to live in a city not of her mother-tongue and for my father to cook for himself all the while. I am not sure if my mother would help my brother’s prospective wife in the same way. But I know, if I need someone’s help, she has to come again. She has no choice, because she is a girl’s mother. Sad but true, a daughter never belongs to the family she was born into, but always their responsibility. Even now, my parents do not worry about my brother as much they worry about me.

If not for my strong mother, I would not have had such an education and job, and again, if not forhfor and supporting husband, I would have ended my career almost a year ago, as advised by many of well-wishers again and again including his family.

My husband considers me equal and luckily I didn’t get married to super orthodox family. Given my circle, I may have known only a few instances, but my parents know many bitter experiences of many other girl parents. There are always long- nosed jerks around, who always have an advice to give, a mistake to find out and a reason to look down girl’s parents. Generally, girls’ parents are expected to be obedient, submissive and thankful.

In all the religions and across the globe, almost all the traditions are un-friendly to girl’s parents.

They are expected to supply, not to demand.

They are expected to listen, not to talk.

They are expected to follow, not to lead.

They are expected to compromise, not to confront

And…they abide by these rules because they want their princess to be happy even in the new house. A girl’s academic or career achievements are undervalued compared to husband's.

My parents didn't raise me differently for being a girl, but everyone else treated them just like parents of a girl... And that is so unfair to them. 

If I have a daughter, she might have thought, I had to go through the same torment again and might be even more difficult and challenging for me as I am more independent, radical, stubborn,  and more sensitive than her. She is not obsessed with the male child, but like all the mothers, she was selfish enough to think life should be easy on her daughter. 

I know why she said, “Thank God, It’s a boy” 

But, my husband and I need a daughter for many other reasons, even if it is difficult to raise her as an equal to boy, in a patriarchal society. Daughter is always the darling of the house and every house is incomplete without her. We hope, we would be blessed with a girl next time to complete our family.

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It is not always her fault....

It is not her fault if she gets raped by few morons in a moving bus at 9:00 in the night

It is not her fault if her trusted friend takes an advantage of her drunken state

It is not her fault if a retarded throws acid at her for rejecting his proposal

It is not her fault if she is tricked by her 1^st standard teacher to lift her skirts up

It is not her fault if her heart urges to see her parents and siblings, after marriage

It is not her fault if she gets mocked in her new house for not bringing enough gifts

It is not her fault if she gets raped in her own house every night

It is not her fault if she is slapped because he didn't like the food she prepared

It is not her fault if her partner divorces her alone with three children, for another woman

It is not her fault if she can never bear a child for health reasons

It is not her fault if her children have poor manners or bad grades at school

It is not her fault if her daughter chooses to marry someone outside their religion

It is not her fault if many prospective grooms reject her in search of beauty or money

It is not her fault if she is killed in the dark because they were expecting HIM

I am tired of reading media articles in newspapers about assaults on women outside the house, in which a woman is blamed for her dress, for being out or for her naive attitude... I am also tired of listening to family & neighborhood daily anecdotes, where a woman is blamed for marital conflicts, her husband's extra marital affairs, her children's ill-manners, her own health conditions..... There is always a line between victim and culprit, but when it comes to a misfortune in a woman's life, on roads or inside her own house, we conveniently breach the line and make her part of the crime itself. When she needs our empathy, we raise our eye brows...

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